The Rains of Castamere (Korean Kindergarteners Edition)

http://youtu.be/xDBEU9c9uk0

About a year ago when I was teaching kindergarten in South Korea, I decided to teach my class the infamous “Rains of Castamere” ode to the ruthlessness of Tywin Lannister from HBO’s Game of Thrones series.

As you can see, my class of goofballs pulled off a particularly chilling version of the song, striking fear into thehearts of all who listen to it.

Game of Thrones season 4 airs next Sunday the 12th of April.

Advertisements

How not to get booked on a comedy show

20140413-221923.jpg

Okay, a little backstory, then we can get into the funniest facebook conversation I’ve had in a while:

I recently took over hosting and organizing duties for a booked comedy show from another comedian. The manager told me that, before me, one other person had approached him and asked if he could be the new host. He asked me to make sure to give this guy a spot on my first show.

I’d never heard of this person before. Here’s what the manager told me about him:

1. He’d done comedy in Busan (a nearby city) for a while
2. He was trying to get involved in the Seoul standup scene, but was encountering a really cliquey, non-inclusive attitude from everybody and hadn’t been able to do a single show

I was really surprised by this as I’ve found the comedy community here nothing but welcoming. I reached out to this dude and the following facebook conversation ensued:

Continue reading

Cerebral diarrhea II

20131213-184918.jpg

Music

Bob Marley once said “One good thing about music, when it hits, you feel no pain.” Which makes sense to me. Music is a lot like an abusive ghost

I’d like to one day be in a situation where BeyoncĂ© is helping me make a sandwich, so i could say “okay BeyoncĂ©, I’m ready for your jelly.”

Drugs

People sometimes think I do coke, but I actually only grow my pinky finger long for picking my nose. More shameful and less badass at the same time.

Racism

I wouldn’t say I’m “white girl wasted” right now, but I’m probably “black girl high.”

I saw a black girl the other day with blonde dreadlocks. When are black people going to stop stealing white culture and using it as a fashion statement?

In response to those last jokes, I’d like to say that I am not a racist. In fact, some of my closest friends are other racially tolerant white people.

Inappropriate subject matter

The Japanese word for “no” is pronounced like “yeah,” which, for me, completely ruins Japanese rape porn.

You know, the majority of rapes are committed not by strangers but by people close to the victim. So when my girlfriend called me at 3am to let me know she was getting a ride home from her friend Chad, I told her “actually I’d feel more comfortable if you could find a stranger to drive you home.” It’s like she doesn’t understand statistics or something.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Write blog posts like rape it’s socially acceptable to joke about rape.

In South Korea, porn is illegal

20131219-023049.jpg
I recently moved into a really Korean neighbourhood: Seoul. When I do stand up comedy here, a lot of my jokes are about living in Seoul, and when I leave Korea I won’t be able to do them anymore. I’ll post a few of them on this blog so at least they’ll still be available to someone out there.

When I lived in Canada, people would say, “James, you like the internet huh?” And I’d say “I love the internet,” and they’d say “Well if you love the internet, move to South Korea, it’s the world’s most wired country, best internet ever.” Then I got to Korea, and they said “Aaaaaand there’s no porn here.” Well, that’s kind of what I loved about the internet.

Porn’s illegal here in all forms, so you won’t find any at the convenience store and they’ve done their best to stop you from getting at it online. I realized pretty quickly that all the mainstream porn websites are blocked, but all the crazy fetish ones are still up. The porn I look at has gotten a lot more consistently weird. I’m into feet now, I guess.

I have no proof of this but I’ll bet that per capita South Korea consumes more deviant fetish porn than the average country. I wonder what the people in charge of attempting to block off porn would think about this.

I was complaining about this whole thing to my girlfriend: “Hey look at this! It sucks- any time I try to look at porn I just get this angry blue screen with white Korean letters across it.”

She said “That’s terrible, if only there were some way you could have an orgasm without looking at pornographywqeas.”

“I know, right? You really understand me.”

So a couple of weeks after that, I realized “Wait a minute- I could just have sex with my girlfriend! I’m a genius!” So I took off her pants, but she was wearing these blue panties with these angry white Korean letters across them… and a lock on the top… I’ll tell you what didn’t have a lock on it though: her socks.

So I guess I’m into feet now.

Cerebral diarrhea

20131213-184918.jpg

About me

When I draw portraits of famous people, I make Leonardo da Vinci look like a one-eyed donkey with hooks for hands.

The only way I’m comfortable eating bananas is if they’re melted down and poured into a vagina mold

I’m not very healthy. The healthiest choice I made yesterday was not to dip my seventh Oreo into Nutella.

I eat a lot of Taco Bell. “Taco Bell: Think outside the bun. Because if you think about what’s inside the bun, you aren’t going to want to eat it.

Poop, butts

Our souls shall be cleansed by toilet paper… sorry, I meant “arseholes”

You would think that if you just ate a little bit of toilet paper after every meal, you wouldn’t need to use it anymore

“I’m far from bright, I bite farts in bar fights” -MC Fart Biter

Boob puns

I’m going to open up my own coffee shop with a boob theme where the cup sizes will be cup sizes

The other day I took two snakes and tied them about myself to support my breasts, and then I said “Now you cobras are co-bras!”

Boob puns! I wanted to have ten boob puns for you today but I lacked 8… out of my boobs! BAM!

A hypeman gets a gig at a convention for people with severe social anxiety

20131212-143650.jpg

AAAAAAALL RIGHT! Y’all must be staring at your watch to avoid conversation because Y’ALL MOTHERFUCKERS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!

It’s SOCIAL ANXIETY TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIME!

That’s right, if you’re in the mood to party then YOU’RE AT THE WRONG PARTY! Because I’ve been informed this party is strictly for people who suffer from debilitating social anxiety. AWWWWW YEAAAAAH!

If you prefer TIME alone with your THOUGHTS- MAKE some NOOOOOOOOooooiiiiiiiiiiiiise!

YEAH! YEAH! Put your hands up! Put your hands up! If you’re terrified of looking stupid in public put your hands up!

Uh! YEAH! If you’re going to dissect this moment later put your hands up!

YEAH! OH! If you’re averting eye contact right now put your hands up!

YEAH! Uh! If you hate audience participation put your hands up! HA-haaa! OH-KAY!

When i say “heyooo,” you look away and pretend you didn’t hear me!

HEYOOOO!….

HEYOOOO!….

I need a new manager. That much is clear.

Why am I starting this blog?

20131212-201621.jpg

I already have a blog. It’s here. And I had another blog before that. It’s here. So why am I starting a new blog?

Well, I want to have a blog for me to joke around on. I want to write a bunch of hilarious blog posts so if someone famous is all like “Hey James, I’d like to hire you as a writer for my hilarious, famous, primetime sitcom, but none of your blogs are funny and your twitter feed is too short.” Then I could point them to this blog and they’d say “Wow, this is exactly what I was looking for! Did you plan it like this?” And then I’d say “check out the first ever post!” Then they’d read this and be like “What are you, some kind of Nostradamus? You predicted my words exactly! Even these ones! Spawn of Satan, get back!” And then I’d be on my way to writing for TV!

My first blog was a movie news blog, and it sucked. My second blog is a travel blog I’m writing with my girlfriend as we’re teaching in Korea. It’s still cool, I’m going to continue posting there. But this is the blog that’s going to (delude me into thinking it will) make me famous.