Local Comedian held captive over 4 years appreciates the opportunity to concentrate on comedy

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Keenan Phillips, an aspiring stand-up comedian, was held prisoner in a secret basement room for over four years, his captor forcing him to write 25 jokes per day or else be viciously beaten. Every night, Phillips’ captor Todd Ellis would blindfold Phillips and handcuff him to a metal pole in the back of his van. From there, he would take Phillips to multiple seedy dive bar locations and force him to perform stand up comedy in front of strangers.

“I really can’t say enough about how good this experience has been for me,” Phillips, 26, told reporters yesterday. “Being motivated to just sit down and write comedy everyday and especially getting a ride out to all those sets has done wonders for my joke writing and performing. Not to mention the opportunity to experience being someone’s prisoner- it’s going to lead to a lot of great material, believe me.”

Showing reporters around the dark, windowless, stone-walled dungeon which was his home for the past four years, Phillips commented “It’s actually a lot better than my old apartment.”

Phillips’ nutrition during this time was shockingly poor. “Apparently the only thing Keenan ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner for all those years were cans of Spaghetti-Os, which explains how he was able to write that killer 5-minute ‘Spaghetti-Os’ bit,” one of Phillips’ acquaintances, another comedian, commented. He added, “Some people have all the luck.”

Doctors say that the conditions of his imprisonment has caused irreparable damage to Keenan’s immune system and he’s going to have trouble adjusting to living a normal life. “Even something as simple as sleeping in an actual bed is going to seem completely alien to him,” said Dr. Ferris at Sacred Heart Hospital, adding “which we strongly suspect will translate into a fresh perspective for some really hilarious observational comedy.”

Keenan Phillips has decided not to press charges against Todd Ellis, who has recently announced his intention to open a chain of comedy boarding schools.

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The confused misogynist comedian

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Women, am I right? Probably my LEAST favourite gender. Man, I get into all sorts of dumb arguments with my girl.

The other day she busts out this gem- “I love you!”

And so I’m all like “I love you MORE!”

And then she’s all “I love you the MOST!”

Whoa, what the NUTsack? That’s not fair! How am I supposed to love her more than “the most?” There’s no way for me to articulate to this set of holes how important she is to me! I only want to crush one puss the rest of my life and it’s her, how do I make her understand that? Dumb broad, I love her so much.

But that’s chicks for ya. Fellas, you ever get this one? “Oh my God, like, we can’t have sex right now because I’m on my period.”

Now hold on just a cock minute, are you telling me that I can’t get my DICK on because you’re bleeding out of your PUSS-hole?! That is BULLSHIT! I don’t care who you are, you have got to agree it is total bullshit that women have always got to shoulder that biological burden alone. That is totally one sided!

You know what I think we should do? All right ladies, cover your ears, this part’s just for the guys in the audience. Girls, I’m serious- this is man talk. It’s not meant for delicate lady ears.

All right, to the fellas in the audience: I think these chicks of ours have had this coming for a loooong time. Tomorrow morning, how about all us dudes give the special doll in our life breakfast in bed. That’ll show those ditzy dames how much we appreciate all the things they do for us!

Have you noticed the clothing ladies are wearing these days? I was on my way here and I see this broad wearing this little tiny skirt. Jesus phallic imagery Christ it was nice. That’s the kind of clothes I like to see a girl wearing, because when you see a woman walking down the street wearing clothes like that, you know what she wants. She’s askin’ for it. Yeah, just BEGGIN’ for a woman’s right to wear any outfit she likes without fear of being labeled.

That’s where these modern women belong, eh? In the kitchen of social change.

This has been “The Confused Misogynist Comedian.” He’s confused about being a misogynist, and he’s also confused about being a comedian: he doesn’t really have punchlines, he just abruptly becomes sincere.

Cerebral diarrhea II

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Music

Bob Marley once said “One good thing about music, when it hits, you feel no pain.” Which makes sense to me. Music is a lot like an abusive ghost

I’d like to one day be in a situation where BeyoncĂ© is helping me make a sandwich, so i could say “okay BeyoncĂ©, I’m ready for your jelly.”

Drugs

People sometimes think I do coke, but I actually only grow my pinky finger long for picking my nose. More shameful and less badass at the same time.

Racism

I wouldn’t say I’m “white girl wasted” right now, but I’m probably “black girl high.”

I saw a black girl the other day with blonde dreadlocks. When are black people going to stop stealing white culture and using it as a fashion statement?

In response to those last jokes, I’d like to say that I am not a racist. In fact, some of my closest friends are other racially tolerant white people.

Inappropriate subject matter

The Japanese word for “no” is pronounced like “yeah,” which, for me, completely ruins Japanese rape porn.

You know, the majority of rapes are committed not by strangers but by people close to the victim. So when my girlfriend called me at 3am to let me know she was getting a ride home from her friend Chad, I told her “actually I’d feel more comfortable if you could find a stranger to drive you home.” It’s like she doesn’t understand statistics or something.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Write blog posts like rape it’s socially acceptable to joke about rape.

In South Korea, porn is illegal

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I recently moved into a really Korean neighbourhood: Seoul. When I do stand up comedy here, a lot of my jokes are about living in Seoul, and when I leave Korea I won’t be able to do them anymore. I’ll post a few of them on this blog so at least they’ll still be available to someone out there.

When I lived in Canada, people would say, “James, you like the internet huh?” And I’d say “I love the internet,” and they’d say “Well if you love the internet, move to South Korea, it’s the world’s most wired country, best internet ever.” Then I got to Korea, and they said “Aaaaaand there’s no porn here.” Well, that’s kind of what I loved about the internet.

Porn’s illegal here in all forms, so you won’t find any at the convenience store and they’ve done their best to stop you from getting at it online. I realized pretty quickly that all the mainstream porn websites are blocked, but all the crazy fetish ones are still up. The porn I look at has gotten a lot more consistently weird. I’m into feet now, I guess.

I have no proof of this but I’ll bet that per capita South Korea consumes more deviant fetish porn than the average country. I wonder what the people in charge of attempting to block off porn would think about this.

I was complaining about this whole thing to my girlfriend: “Hey look at this! It sucks- any time I try to look at porn I just get this angry blue screen with white Korean letters across it.”

She said “That’s terrible, if only there were some way you could have an orgasm without looking at pornographywqeas.”

“I know, right? You really understand me.”

So a couple of weeks after that, I realized “Wait a minute- I could just have sex with my girlfriend! I’m a genius!” So I took off her pants, but she was wearing these blue panties with these angry white Korean letters across them… and a lock on the top… I’ll tell you what didn’t have a lock on it though: her socks.

So I guess I’m into feet now.

Cerebral diarrhea

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About me

When I draw portraits of famous people, I make Leonardo da Vinci look like a one-eyed donkey with hooks for hands.

The only way I’m comfortable eating bananas is if they’re melted down and poured into a vagina mold

I’m not very healthy. The healthiest choice I made yesterday was not to dip my seventh Oreo into Nutella.

I eat a lot of Taco Bell. “Taco Bell: Think outside the bun. Because if you think about what’s inside the bun, you aren’t going to want to eat it.

Poop, butts

Our souls shall be cleansed by toilet paper… sorry, I meant “arseholes”

You would think that if you just ate a little bit of toilet paper after every meal, you wouldn’t need to use it anymore

“I’m far from bright, I bite farts in bar fights” -MC Fart Biter

Boob puns

I’m going to open up my own coffee shop with a boob theme where the cup sizes will be cup sizes

The other day I took two snakes and tied them about myself to support my breasts, and then I said “Now you cobras are co-bras!”

Boob puns! I wanted to have ten boob puns for you today but I lacked 8… out of my boobs! BAM!