Wookiee of the year: Sneak peek at the new Star Wars film

 

Han: All this time, Chewbacca seemed so well-adjusted to me.

Father: Chew-BACCA?! Have you been making up fake names again Stephen?!

Chewie: Ngggggggg-g-g-g-g-ghhhdaaaaaaAAAad you’re embarrassing me!

*****

Sorry about how messed up Han’s face looks. There are limits to my artistic abilities.

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16 Things only High-Ranking Members of the Illuminati will Understand

Understand how to topple a government from within? Have an Egyptian obelisk hidden on your property? Still sometimes forget where you put your keys? THIS LIST IS FOR YOU.

1. What will happen to this on June 5 2099:

  

Spoiler alert: New World Order.

2. That awkward feeling when you wear the wrong colour robe to a secret ceremony

  

Because being the only black robe in a sea of red isn’t uncomfortable at all


3. When you accidentally pronounce it “Inumi-latte”

  

Would you like your secret society venti-sized?


4. Why the lower class as a whole can never acheive true success

  

And why the false hope that they could is the glue that holds all society together


5. Why THIS:

  

had to happen in order to get THIS:

  

Level 53 members know what I’m talking about


6. The location of all the giant sun lamps in the whitehouse

  

All my 17-foot-tall shapeshifting Reptilians know that the whitehouse’s artificial sun lamp game is on POINT


7. Stepping out of the pressurized chamber below the Supreme Court and finding out the shadow government is all out of coffee

  

Please don’t ask me to orchestrate world affairs before I’ve had my morning caffeine!!!


8. How awesome Track 5 off Jay-Z and Beyonce’s secret album is

  

It’s Illumi-NASTY!


9. How and why Kate Middleton’s REAL baby must be raised in a Russian paramilitary training camp

  

How crazy is it going to be when the whole world appears to be controlled by a man named Igor?


10. Why hearing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea always makes you think of THIS

  

You already know.


11. The third part of Neil armstrong’s “one small step” quote and what it has to do with lizards

  


12. Why Osama Bin Laden owes EVERYTHING to THIS

  

He got the best of both worlds.


13. Who the next twelve U.S. presidents will be, and why the thirteenth one will be the last ever

  


14. How to tell the difference between a homeless person… 

  

and one of THESE

  

One asks for change, the other brings change upon all who fail to recognize his power.


15. What THESE MOVIES were created to prime humanity for

  

And why all zombie fans should have a certain day in 2034 marked on their calendars!


16. Realizing there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your sceptre

 

Why did you even take that thing into the bathroom with you?! 

The Emotion Critic

  
“Skip it” of the week:

HAPPINESS


human emotion
RATING:
1/2* out of *****

Dopamine. Seratonin. Oxytocin. Such potent, interesting neurochemicals are wasted in this overrated mess of a human emotion. Even Endorphins, which I loved in the excellent mental state Detachment, fails to bring Happiness together.
At both ends of the spectrum, from its ignorant contentment to its utterly delusional pure joy, Happiness is a complete disappointment (not to be confused with the far superior emotion Disappointment which I’m excited to see more from). Derivative, unfulfilling, and frankly artless, it hopes to win you over with unadulterated stupidity.
I don’t often feel so sure about an emotion as to say that I expect it to ruin the entire world, but this case may be an exception. The popularity of Happiness leaves me nauseated- what low-born uneducated Philistines could possibly find meaning in such a useless void? Almost half the country, apparently. You can be sure that many similar feelings are currently being produced in the hopes of capitalizing on “Happy-mania.” I shudder to think of the long-term ramifications on the economy, our national standing, and the overall average quality of art this will have down the line.
There is, thankfully, one good thing about Happiness: it is fleeting. Should you decide to experience Happiness despite this review and inevitably feel let down, just know that every second you waste being happy, you grow ever closer to its beautiful sequel: Severe Depression.

Self-actualization? The very idea of it makes me want to self-actually throw up.
FEAR
human emotion
RATING:
*** out of *****
Fans of Terror and Dread undoubtably have high hopes for “Fear,” another emotion brought to you by clammy hands and goosebumps. As many including yours truly were expecting, Fear, while generally well-put-together, just fails to deliver quite as much- but it’s still a decently worthwhile ride.

Fear is at its best when it doesn’t try to improve on its predecessors. Some attempts to “up the stakes” just highlight how much of a drop-off in quality there has been. Adrenaline is always great whenever it shows up, but when it has something tangible to direct itself to (as is the case with Fear) it’s less disorienting and, unfortunately, far less impactful.
If you find yourself in the mood, go ahead and take Fear out for a spin. Though it must be said that if you have access to the heart-pounding Terror or the creeping, suspenseful Dread, maybe put the simpler feelings that accompany Fear aside for another day.  
“Hidden gem” of the week:
PRENVY
human emotion
RATING:
***** out of *****
Longtime readers of this column will recall that I have often praised the emotional genius of Pride and Envy. It’s been tossed around for quite some time now, but at long last, two of my favourite feelings have finally decided to collaborate. This little-celebrated, highly imaginative, independantly-produced emotion is called Prenvy.

Prenvy seems almost contradictory at first, but it must be experienced to be fully believed. How can one feel both proud of oneself (Pride) AND desire that which others have simultaneously (Envy)? All I can say is that it makes perfect sense when you’re feeling it.
I’ll say this much: Picture someone who has something you want and feel you deserve. At the same time, you draw a sense of superiority from the fact that you do not have it. You know that your being deprived of this thing, whatever it may be, will make you stronger in the end, and by that same virtue, you paradoxically feel this thing is therefore owed to you. It’s such a delicious combination that at times feels very reminiscent to that all-time classic Hate.

I won’t say any more or I’ll spoil the experience for you. Do yourself and the emotion industry a favour and experience the wonderful indie feeling Prenvy yourself this weekend! 
 

These SIMPLE lifehacks will CHANGE YOUR WORLD (in IMPERCEPTIBLE but DEFINITE WAYS according to the CHAOS THEORY)!!!

Eat soup with a spoon- save the fork for solid foods!
 

While this lifehack seems utterly pointless on the surface, the act of scanning your eyeballs across the letters it is composed of was enough to alter your future irreparably. Your decision to read this lifehack about the simple act of eating with a spoon could mean the difference between a long and happy marriage and being killed in a bank robbery hostage situation. Unfortunately, there is no way to be certain which direction your fate has been changed to with current technology.
Use your broom’s dustpan to scoop dirt piles and pour into the garbage!
 

You’re probably wondering why anyone would even bother writing a sentence so useless to humanity, and it’s a fair question. What you probably aren’t consciously aware of is that a mental version of your question will exist forever somewhere in the vast, unexplored depths of your brain, having a tiny but definite impact on all decisions you will ever make from this day forward.
Money can be traded in for goods and services at almost any store!
You’re probably not gaining much practical information from this lifehack, but that doesn’t actually matter. Just the physical act of moving down the page to view it has created a ripple effect- to scroll down, your hand had to displace a tiny amount of air around it which, lead to a mass tragedy halfway around the world. This cataclysmic event will affect the global economy in ways that almost certainly will change the total amount of money you will make and spend in your life.
Make your milk last twice as long by not pouring half of it on the floor!
 

You probably weren’t thinking about the possibility of a person existing in this world who pours half their milk out and never realized that was a weird thing to do before reading this article. Now you are. That fact, just by itself, technically means your life has been changed forever.
Wear your earbuds OVER your ear, not hanging down!
 

Okay, that one’s just stupid. I just tried it and my earbuds are falling out WAY more often than before. Who thought this was a good idea?

My Encounter with the Canadian Justice System: A St. Patrick’s Day cautionary tale in five parts

IMG_1533

PART ONE: Getting hammered

My 2011 St. Patrick’s Day started off relatively normally. This is to say that I arrived at York University’s student-owned bar The Absinthe Pub at approximately 11am, clad in ritualistic green, and proceeded to drink several pitchers of green PBR and a few Irish Car bombs. Highlights of the day: Someone passing out green face paint. Someone showing everyone their balls. Someone else painting those balls with the green face paint.

Around 8:30pm, I decided it was time for me to head home. While I was walking across the Vanier parking lot, I noticed a hammer on the ground. “Awesome,” I said to nobody in particular. “A hammer is just what I need for my toolkit, particularly one that doesn’t cost me any money because I found it on the ground right now.”

Had I known what was about to happen to me due to my decision to pick up this hammer, chances are pretty good I would have left it there on the ground. Alas, things are not always so easy.

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17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

party

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

blink wig

But you REALLY want to be like

punch

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

dust hands

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

scared in bed

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

IMG_1513

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

mug beard

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

drunk walk

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

ugly

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

pathetic cry

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

thumbs up

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

deep breath

11. And you start living on the street like

homeless

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

happy breath

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

hello!

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

cry a lot

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

evil laugh

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

sweaty real

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

cry street

Some Snarkiness about the 2015 “Best Picture” Oscar nominations

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I watched all the “best picture” Oscar movies this year. I liked them all. Birdman was the best one but I won’t be upset if Whiplash wins. Here are my thoughts on all the nominations, in snarky bite sized twitter-friendly ADHD-style joke nuggets.

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