16 Things only High-Ranking Members of the Illuminati will Understand

Understand how to topple a government from within? Have an Egyptian obelisk hidden on your property? Still sometimes forget where you put your keys? THIS LIST IS FOR YOU.

1. What will happen to this on June 5 2099:

  

Spoiler alert: New World Order.

2. That awkward feeling when you wear the wrong colour robe to a secret ceremony

  

Because being the only black robe in a sea of red isn’t uncomfortable at all

3. When you accidentally pronounce it “Inumi-latte”

  

Would you like your secret society venti-sized?

4. Why the lower class as a whole can never acheive true success

  

And why the false hope that they could is the glue that holds all society together

5. Why THIS:

  

had to happen in order to get THIS:

  

Level 53 members know what I’m talking about

6. The location of all the giant sun lamps in the whitehouse

  

All my 17-foot-tall shapeshifting Reptilians know that the whitehouse’s artificial sun lamp game is on POINT

7. Stepping out of the pressurized chamber below the Supreme Court and finding out the shadow government is all out of coffee

  

Please don’t ask me to orchestrate world affairs before I’ve had my morning caffeine!!!

8. How awesome Track 5 off Jay-Z and Beyonce’s secret album is

  

It’s Illumi-NASTY!

9. How and why Kate Middleton’s REAL baby must be raised in a Russian paramilitary training camp

  

How crazy is it going to be when the whole world appears to be controlled by a man named Igor?

10. Why hearing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea always makes you think of THIS

  

You already know.

11. The third part of Neil armstrong’s “one small step” quote and what it has to do with lizards

  

12. Why Osama Bin Laden owes EVERYTHING to THIS

  

He got the best of both worlds.

13. Who the next twelve U.S. presidents will be, and why the thirteenth one will be the last ever

  

14. How to tell the difference between a homeless person… 

  

and one of THESE

  

One asks for change, the other brings change upon all who fail to recognize his power.

15. What THESE MOVIES were created to prime humanity for

  

And why all zombie fans should have a certain day in 2034 marked on their calendars!

16. Realizing there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your sceptre

 

Why did you even take that thing into the bathroom with you?! 

These SIMPLE lifehacks will CHANGE YOUR WORLD (in IMPERCEPTIBLE but DEFINITE WAYS according to the CHAOS THEORY)!!!

Eat soup with a spoon- save the fork for solid foods!

 

While this lifehack seems utterly pointless on the surface, the act of scanning your eyeballs across the letters it is composed of was enough to alter your future irreparably. Your decision to read this lifehack about the simple act of eating with a spoon could mean the difference between a long and happy marriage and being killed in a bank robbery hostage situation. Unfortunately, there is no way to be certain which direction your fate has been changed to with current technology.

Use your broom’s dustpan to scoop dirt piles and pour into the garbage!

 

You’re probably wondering why anyone would even bother writing a sentence so useless to humanity, and it’s a fair question. What you probably aren’t consciously aware of is that a mental version of your question will exist forever somewhere in the vast, unexplored depths of your brain, having a tiny but definite impact on all decisions you will ever make from this day forward.

Money can be traded in for goods and services at almost any store!

You’re probably not gaining much practical information from this lifehack, but that doesn’t actually matter. Just the physical act of moving down the page to view it has created a ripple effect- to scroll down, your hand had to displace a tiny amount of air around it which, lead to a mass tragedy halfway around the world. This cataclysmic event will affect the global economy in ways that almost certainly will change the total amount of money you will make and spend in your life.

Make your milk last twice as long by not pouring half of it on the floor!

 

You probably weren’t thinking about the possibility of a person existing in this world who pours half their milk out and never realized that was a weird thing to do before reading this article. Now you are. That fact, just by itself, technically means your life has been changed forever.

Wear your earbuds OVER your ear, not hanging down!

 

Okay, that one’s just stupid. I just tried it and my earbuds are falling out WAY more often than before. Who thought this was a good idea?

17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

But you REALLY want to be like

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

11. And you start living on the street like

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

10 tips for dealing with introverts (Number 6 shall cause the rivers to run red with blood!)

You’ve probably heard that there are two kinds of people in this world- the outgoing, social extroverts and the quiet, misunderstood introverts. If you’re an extrovert and you sometimes have trouble interacting with your more introverted friends, don’t worry. This article was designed to help you out when it comes to those lovable, kooky introverts in your life.

Here are ten things to know about introverts:

1. An extrovert might find it hard to understand why someone wouldn’t want to go out to a party. The interesting fact is that while extroverts recharge by being with other people, introverts find they really need time alone to replenish their energies by drinking the blood of a man who was hanged for murder from a 1000-year-old human skull goblet.

2. Remember- when it comes down to it, we’re all just people. An extrovert doesn’t think it’s unusual to start up a conversation with a stranger on the bus, while to an introvert, dislocating their jaw to birth a demonic imp slave seems perfectly normal.

3. A common misconception is that introverts don’t enjoy company. Just because someone prefers to be alone, doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes wish they hadn’t sacrificed their family in exchange for unlimited power.

4. If you’re a true friend of an introvert, consider yourself extremely lucky. While extroverts may have dozens of people they consider close friends, the average introvert has only two or three people in their lives who shall be spared the curse of eternal childlessness.

5. Be aware that introverts usually have a personal space “bubble” they’d prefer not to allow others into. An easy way to check if you may be invading an introvert’s personal bubble is to look at their face. If you’ve penetrated their bubble of illusion you will see them as their true form- usually resembling a golden skeleton with scales like a fish.

6. When it comes to small talk- leave the introverts out of it! There’s just nothing interesting to an introvert about what’s going on with the weather at the moment. Bypass all the pleasantries and inane observations and instead press the introvert’s clawed hands against your forehead and bask in eldritch visions of the past, present, and future.

7. Contrary to the extrovert, who may say something as soon as it occurs to them, introverts always think before they speak. Just bear in mind how carefully your introverted friends have chosen their words the next time one of them is chanting incantations turning your body to a stone statue.

8. Many introverts, though not all, find it difficult to express themselves through spoken conversation. It’s much easier and more comfortable for them to get their point across through ancient runes that appear in the middle of the night carved into your forearm, pelvis, and back.

9. Don’t be one of those people who dismisses introverts as being “weird.” No statement about introverts could possibly arouse more murderous rage. Just by calling introverts “weird” during a private conversation with your extroverted friend, you are effectively sealing your fate- within a week you shall awake to find yourself high above the ground, the leathery sound of giant, introverted wings beating all around you. You’ll scream for help, that some of your best friends are introverts, that you respect anyone’s decision to stay in for the night- but it will be too late. It will be far too late.

10. Finally, extroverts can be killed any number of ways, from poisoning to a bullet in the head. Introverts, on the other hand, may only be slain by slitting their throat with a silver blade, maintaining eye contact the entire time.

12 NEW clickbait headlines for 2015 (number 7 will change your life!)

I am personally sick of seeing the same old generic clickbait headline styles over and over again on my facebook newsfeed and elsewhere. It seems people have hit upon a handful of useful stock article and video titles, and the same skeleton title is used and reused, plugging in specifics and vagueries like it’s some kind of webtraffic mad libs. “_______ say this _______ is the best _____ ever. After watching it, I’d have to agree.” “Some ________ from ________ made a _________ that just might ________” “___ _______ that only _________ will understand.”

Obviously these titles serve a purpose. Like the beautiful colours and patterns found on flowers evolved specifically to draw bees, clickbait headlines exist to draw bored humans. The end result is the same- continued propogation of the flower or upworthy link, and increased visibility.

So we can’t get rid of clickbait, but my hope is that I can spice it up a little. Internet journalists, please feel free to use any of the following BRAND NEW clickbait headlines, designed specifically to fool bored facebook scrollers into clicking on them. It’s a new year, and that means new cheese in your mouse traps.

(As you will see, these headlines are extremely versatile and can be altered and rearranged to fit almost any obnoxious social media post)

1. You never do Big Bang Theory trivia quizzes any more, why not? Is it because you hate me?

2. You better watch this spoken word poem about racism or I’ll kill your family!

3. Oh well, here I am, a poor defenseless list of things only 90s kids will get, alone, vulnerable, just walking up this facebook newsfeed, unnaccompanied… Gosh! Absolutely anyone who sees me could click on me! Well that just won’t do at all.

4. Only the trueborn king of England can open this link to a list of 12 mattresses that look like Mickey Rourke

5. Oh my god what’s that behind you on this list of the best Miley Cyrus gifs?

6. If enough people click on this Jennifer Lawrence interview… we might just solve Africa.

7. This link will lead to to EITHER a coupon for free quesadillas for life, OR a comic about white privilege!

8. You guyyyyyys! I feel really insecure about this “which country should you really live in” quiz I made, ugh I feel so gross right now

9. Hello there, this is your mother. I needed to ask if (click to continue)

10. Help! Quickly! It’s your mother- it’s IMPERATIVE that you (click to continue)

11. Hey, it’s me, the writer of this article about global warming. Do you realize I get paid by the click? If you just click this link once, I might be able to make rent this month. Please, I’ve got a family.

12. You probably wouldn’t get this list of 26 times “Boy Meets World” totally blew us all away, but your smarter friends would LOVE it

Now, get out there and trick people into viewing your website!

5 things White People Need to Understand about Quantum Physics

Read this article if you’re white and you have opinions about quantum physics.

All right white people, listen up. This article is for you.

In the last few weeks, you’ve been hearing a lot about complex numbers and wavefunction formulation. Before you weigh in, it’s important to acknowledge that as a white person, there may be certain things about quantum mechanics you don’t fully understand. As a white male myself, I’ve taken it upon myself to dispel some common misconceptions about quantum science that most white people just refuse to acknowledge.

1.You need to make an effort to look at things outside your four-dimensional-white-person’s perspective.

Understand that just because your view of the universe as a white person seems correct, that you actually exist in  an 11-dimensional space-time consisting of 10 spatial dimensions and 1 time dimension.

To say that we exist in 4-dimensional space-time is to ignore and minimize the lived experience of trillions of possible universes.

2. Delta x times delta p at x is equal to or greater than half of the Planck constant.

As far as combating racism goes, it just doesn’t get any more simple than that.

3.The consequences of entanglement are not “exotic.”

If there’s one thing white people love, it’s describing the behaviour of subatomic particles approaching the speed of light as “exotic” or “uncivilized.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Just because a particle is occupying multiple spaces simultaneously doesn’t mean its physicality should be fetishized or objectified. It’s no different than a larger object moving at a much smaller velocity- it just doesn’t adhere to your preconceived notions of Newtonian physics.

4.We are absolutely NOT living in a post-unified-field-theory-society.

In an argument with a white Facebook friend the other day, I found myself faced with this now-familiar refrain: “But we’re living in an age now where quantum electrodynamics has already theoretically merged electroweak force with weak nuclear force!”

Um, yeah? So what? White people need to understand that the single apparent success of ANY two fundamental forces being merged is NEVER a valid proof that gravity itself has been reconciled with the three other gauge symmetries. There is still so much work to be done.

5. You, as a white person, will NEVER truly understand quantum mechanics.

Sorry, white people. But you simply lack the cultural, sociological, and cranial capacity to ever truly understand quantum mechanics as a whole.

As physicist Richard Feynman was fond of saying,

“If you [as a white person] think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics [thanks to your white privilege].”

#NotASingleWhitePerson understands quantum mechanics, and #NotASingleWhitePerson ever will.

A Song of Ice and Fire theory: The surprising case for a secretly still-alive Drogoratheon

Be honest- do you even know which one’s which here?

Hi all. I’ve just finished my seventh readthrough of GRRM‘s RGFNS* ASOIAF, and as we all know seven is a holy number (LOL). I realized something that little and less people are talking about.

I call this theory Khal Drogo And Robert Bartheon Are Still Alive And Also Secretly The Same Person (KD + RB = SA & KD = RB = KDRB for short). Now this may sound crazy at first but remember: everybody thought it was crazy when people theorized that HBO would adapt ASOIAF into a TV show.

First, let’s talk about why they are DEFINITELY the same person. Here are two eerily similar quotes, both from GOT. One describes Robert Baratheon, one describes Khal Drogo. See if you can even figure out who is being described in each quotation: