Fun with Upside-Down Cows



Stupid. So stupid. Probably the dumbest cartoon yet.

I’m finding out that you can only do so many one-panel comics vefore cows become involved. It’s called the Gary Larson effect.

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These SIMPLE lifehacks will CHANGE YOUR WORLD (in IMPERCEPTIBLE but DEFINITE WAYS according to the CHAOS THEORY)!!!

Eat soup with a spoon- save the fork for solid foods!
 

While this lifehack seems utterly pointless on the surface, the act of scanning your eyeballs across the letters it is composed of was enough to alter your future irreparably. Your decision to read this lifehack about the simple act of eating with a spoon could mean the difference between a long and happy marriage and being killed in a bank robbery hostage situation. Unfortunately, there is no way to be certain which direction your fate has been changed to with current technology.
Use your broom’s dustpan to scoop dirt piles and pour into the garbage!
 

You’re probably wondering why anyone would even bother writing a sentence so useless to humanity, and it’s a fair question. What you probably aren’t consciously aware of is that a mental version of your question will exist forever somewhere in the vast, unexplored depths of your brain, having a tiny but definite impact on all decisions you will ever make from this day forward.
Money can be traded in for goods and services at almost any store!
You’re probably not gaining much practical information from this lifehack, but that doesn’t actually matter. Just the physical act of moving down the page to view it has created a ripple effect- to scroll down, your hand had to displace a tiny amount of air around it which, lead to a mass tragedy halfway around the world. This cataclysmic event will affect the global economy in ways that almost certainly will change the total amount of money you will make and spend in your life.
Make your milk last twice as long by not pouring half of it on the floor!
 

You probably weren’t thinking about the possibility of a person existing in this world who pours half their milk out and never realized that was a weird thing to do before reading this article. Now you are. That fact, just by itself, technically means your life has been changed forever.
Wear your earbuds OVER your ear, not hanging down!
 

Okay, that one’s just stupid. I just tried it and my earbuds are falling out WAY more often than before. Who thought this was a good idea?

My Encounter with the Canadian Justice System: A St. Patrick’s Day cautionary tale in five parts

IMG_1533

PART ONE: Getting hammered

My 2011 St. Patrick’s Day started off relatively normally. This is to say that I arrived at York University’s student-owned bar The Absinthe Pub at approximately 11am, clad in ritualistic green, and proceeded to drink several pitchers of green PBR and a few Irish Car bombs. Highlights of the day: Someone passing out green face paint. Someone showing everyone their balls. Someone else painting those balls with the green face paint.

Around 8:30pm, I decided it was time for me to head home. While I was walking across the Vanier parking lot, I noticed a hammer on the ground. “Awesome,” I said to nobody in particular. “A hammer is just what I need for my toolkit, particularly one that doesn’t cost me any money because I found it on the ground right now.”

Had I known what was about to happen to me due to my decision to pick up this hammer, chances are pretty good I would have left it there on the ground. Alas, things are not always so easy.

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17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

party

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

blink wig

But you REALLY want to be like

punch

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

dust hands

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

scared in bed

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

IMG_1513

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

mug beard

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

drunk walk

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

ugly

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

pathetic cry

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

thumbs up

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

deep breath

11. And you start living on the street like

homeless

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

happy breath

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

hello!

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

cry a lot

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

evil laugh

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

sweaty real

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

cry street