For reasons I think it would be funnier if I didn’t explain, I recently wrote and performed a short erotic story starring the two male leads of the sexiest show of the summer- Breaking Bad. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy, read on (NSFW, contains some drug references and also is explicit gay erotica):
Keenan Phillips, an aspiring stand-up comedian, was held prisoner in a secret basement room for over four years, his captor forcing him to write 25 jokes per day or else be viciously beaten. Every night, Phillips’ captor Todd Ellis would blindfold Phillips and handcuff him to a metal pole in the back of his van. From there, he would take Phillips to multiple seedy dive bar locations and force him to perform stand up comedy in front of strangers.
“I really can’t say enough about how good this experience has been for me,” Phillips, 26, told reporters yesterday. “Being motivated to just sit down and write comedy everyday and especially getting a ride out to all those sets has done wonders for my joke writing and performing. Not to mention the opportunity to experience being someone’s prisoner- it’s going to lead to a lot of great material, believe me.”
Showing reporters around the dark, windowless, stone-walled dungeon which was his home for the past four years, Phillips commented “It’s actually a lot better than my old apartment.”
Phillips’ nutrition during this time was shockingly poor. “Apparently the only thing Keenan ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner for all those years were cans of Spaghetti-Os, which explains how he was able to write that killer 5-minute ‘Spaghetti-Os’ bit,” one of Phillips’ acquaintances, another comedian, commented. He added, “Some people have all the luck.”
Doctors say that the conditions of his imprisonment has caused irreparable damage to Keenan’s immune system and he’s going to have trouble adjusting to living a normal life. “Even something as simple as sleeping in an actual bed is going to seem completely alien to him,” said Dr. Ferris at Sacred Heart Hospital, adding “which we strongly suspect will translate into a fresh perspective for some really hilarious observational comedy.”
Keenan Phillips has decided not to press charges against Todd Ellis, who has recently announced his intention to open a chain of comedy boarding schools.
I watched every one of the best picture nominations this year. I now present to you in-depth analyses of each movie, in a twitter-friendly 140-characters-or-less format:
AMERICAN HUSTLE: If American Hustle wins Martin Scorsese should just go ahead and accept the Oscar. This was more of a Scorsese movie than “Wolf of Wall St” was
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS: After Castaway and this, it’s sad to see Tom Hanks clearly being typecast as a very unfortunate delivery man.
DALLAS BUYER’S CLUB: If there was an award for the most attractive woman in film in 2014 it would definitely be Jared Leto dying of AIDS
GRAVITY: Good movie, but a little too unrealistic for me. What, she’s supposed to be an astronaut but she’s not even wearing a diaper? I just couldn’t enjoy the movie.
HER: An intense sci-fi thriller in the vein of I, ROBOT or the TOTAL RECALL remake, but with mustaches and true love instead of CGI robots and eplosions
NEBRASKA: So the only way a straight up comedy movie can appear classy enough to be nominated for an Oscar is to be shot in black and white? Got it.
PHILOMENA: I’d be more upset about the evil nuns in this movie receiving no retribution but there’s really no worse punishment than spending your whole life as a nun
12 YEARS A SLAVE: This movie launched me into a depression that can only be cured if Quentin Tarantino directs a half-hour alternate ending
WOLF OF WALL ST: Proof that Martin Scorsese can make even telemarketing look cool