The self-destructive procrastinator’s guide to “finding” a “job”

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Looking for a job? Take it from someone who’s lived it and is currently living it right now as he types this list of advice- time between employment can be a real drag. It’s important to have a plan during this time so you can most effectively continue not to have a job. Hopefully you find these tips as spectacularly unhelpful as they have been to me.

1. Finding a job might seem overwhelming at first. Keep in mind that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single day spent watching netflix and ripping bong tokes.

2. Before writing a resume, check out job postings online for a few weeks. Inexplicably get your hopes up for jobs you haven’t applied to. Maybe they’ll see that you were looking at their craigslist ad, backtrace your IP address, and give you a call. It’s not impossible.

3. Be sure to keep your parents in the dark. If they call you at noon and you’re asleep, tell them you missed the call because you were out handing out resumes. If they call when you’re about to watch a movie, tell them you’re just heading into a job interview at a bank. Trust me, they won’t bother you.

4. Now that you’re unemployed, it’s a great time to learn to play the guitar. Once you learn a few chords, you’ll be able to play many popular songs in an acoustic, folky coffee-house style. You should really check to see if there are any open mics in your area, too.

5. Reward yourself for every tiny milestone. When you pick out a resume template, you deserve to go out to a movie. Every time you fill in a section of your resume, watch a single Lord of the Rings film (extended edition). When you finally print off 20 copies of your resume at the library, take the rest of the day off to go drinking with friends.

6. The important thing is that everyone you know thinks you’re actively looking for a job. Go for a walk for a few hours and tell your roommates that you spent that time shaking hands and handing out resumes. Complain a lot about “the job market right now” at parties. 

7. Actually give out maybe one copy of your resume and wish, wish, wish that you get a call for an interview so you can end the job hunt.

8. Have you seen “The Wire”? Use this time to watch the whole show. You’ll wish you’d done it earlier once you’re employed, so make sure to watch it now. Already seen “The Wire”? Well, have you seen “The Wire” twice? How about three times?

9. You know that blog you started a year ago that you almost immediately abandoned? Now’s the time to become a professional blogger who posts multiple times a week. Watch your page views click upwards and wish they could be turned into money.

10. Google the word “jobs.” Open every first-page result in a separate tab. Leave your computer open like this so people can see you’re really trying.

11. If you’re a male, seriously consider donating sperm. Find out that you only get reimbursed $70 per visit to the sperm bank in Canada and you’re not allowed to masturbate or have sex at all in between your weekly visits. Decide that it doesn’t seem worth it, but don’t entirely rule it out.

12. Write yourself a note or two that you can hang up around the house saying something like “Apply for jobs, you idiot!” Look at them every day and feel like a big stupid failure. Continue to not apply for jobs.

13. The Oscar nominations are out, and you might be interviewed soon by an employer who has seen one or more of the best picture nominations. It’s possible they’ll even bring it up during the interview. Use your free time to download and watch every oscar nomination to increase your chances in that interview you might score sometime in the near future.

14. An easy way to save money during this time is to spend a full day in bed, not eating or using resources. The good news: You can drink as much water as you like (if it’s free)!

15. Half-heartedly scan online job postings again. Find one that you qualify for, and really intend to apply to it until you see that it requires a cover letter. Cover letters are the worst. Why do companies even ask for those? Do they really read every one? Don’t apply after all.

16. Hang out with your employed friends whenever they’re free, because you’re free all the time. When you get a job you won’t be able to make plans with people so easily, so you’ll easily earn back all the money you’re wasting away at bars and restaurants right now.

17. Being unemployed is no reason not to live the extravagant lifestyle you’re used to. Feel free to spend money on cigarettes, alcohol, and definitely order pizza almost every night. Hide the giant-pile-of-empty-pizza-boxes-cry-for-help when you have people over.

18. You might feel stressed out from time to time, but imagine how much more stressed you’d be if you actually had a JOB! Those things are the worst.

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10 tips for dealing with introverts (Number 6 shall cause the rivers to run red with blood!)

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You’ve probably heard that there are two kinds of people in this world- the outgoing, social extroverts and the quiet, misunderstood introverts. If you’re an extrovert and you sometimes have trouble interacting with your more introverted friends, don’t worry. This article was designed to help you out when it comes to those lovable, kooky introverts in your life.

Here are ten things to know about introverts:

1. An extrovert might find it hard to understand why someone wouldn’t want to go out to a party. The interesting fact is that while extroverts recharge by being with other people, introverts find they really need time alone to replenish their energies by drinking the blood of a man who was hanged for murder from a 1000-year-old human skull goblet.

2. Remember- when it comes down to it, we’re all just people. An extrovert doesn’t think it’s unusual to start up a conversation with a stranger on the bus, while to an introvert, dislocating their jaw to birth a demonic imp slave seems perfectly normal.

3. A common misconception is that introverts don’t enjoy company. Just because someone prefers to be alone, doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes wish they hadn’t sacrificed their family in exchange for unlimited power.

4. If you’re a true friend of an introvert, consider yourself extremely lucky. While extroverts may have dozens of people they consider close friends, the average introvert has only two or three people in their lives who shall be spared the curse of eternal childlessness.

5. Be aware that introverts usually have a personal space “bubble” they’d prefer not to allow others into. An easy way to check if you may be invading an introvert’s personal bubble is to look at their face. If you’ve penetrated their bubble of illusion you will see them as their true form- usually resembling a golden skeleton with scales like a fish.

6. When it comes to small talk- leave the introverts out of it! There’s just nothing interesting to an introvert about what’s going on with the weather at the moment. Bypass all the pleasantries and inane observations and instead press the introvert’s clawed hands against your forehead and bask in eldritch visions of the past, present, and future.

7. Contrary to the extrovert, who may say something as soon as it occurs to them, introverts always think before they speak. Just bear in mind how carefully your introverted friends have chosen their words the next time one of them is chanting incantations turning your body to a stone statue.

8. Many introverts, though not all, find it difficult to express themselves through spoken conversation. It’s much easier and more comfortable for them to get their point across through ancient runes that appear in the middle of the night carved into your forearm, pelvis, and back.

9. Don’t be one of those people who dismisses introverts as being “weird.” No statement about introverts could possibly arouse more murderous rage. Just by calling introverts “weird” during a private conversation with your extroverted friend, you are effectively sealing your fate- within a week you shall awake to find yourself high above the ground, the leathery sound of giant, introverted wings beating all around you. You’ll scream for help, that some of your best friends are introverts, that you respect anyone’s decision to stay in for the night- but it will be too late. It will be far too late.

10. Finally, extroverts can be killed any number of ways, from poisoning to a bullet in the head. Introverts, on the other hand, may only be slain by slitting their throat with a silver blade, maintaining eye contact the entire time.

12 NEW clickbait headlines for 2015 (number 7 will change your life!)

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I am personally sick of seeing the same old generic clickbait headline styles over and over again on my facebook newsfeed and elsewhere. It seems people have hit upon a handful of useful stock article and video titles, and the same skeleton title is used and reused, plugging in specifics and vagueries like it’s some kind of webtraffic mad libs. “_______ say this _______ is the best _____ ever. After watching it, I’d have to agree.” “Some ________ from ________ made a _________ that just might ________” “___ _______ that only _________ will understand.”

Obviously these titles serve a purpose. Like the beautiful colours and patterns found on flowers evolved specifically to draw bees, clickbait headlines exist to draw bored humans. The end result is the same- continued propogation of the flower or upworthy link, and increased visibility.

So we can’t get rid of clickbait, but my hope is that I can spice it up a little. Internet journalists, please feel free to use any of the following BRAND NEW clickbait headlines, designed specifically to fool bored facebook scrollers into clicking on them. It’s a new year, and that means new cheese in your mouse traps.

(As you will see, these headlines are extremely versatile and can be altered and rearranged to fit almost any obnoxious social media post)

1. You never do Big Bang Theory trivia quizzes any more, why not? Is it because you hate me?

2. You better watch this spoken word poem about racism or I’ll kill your family!

3. Oh well, here I am, a poor defenseless list of things only 90s kids will get, alone, vulnerable, just walking up this facebook newsfeed, unnaccompanied… Gosh! Absolutely anyone who sees me could click on me! Well that just won’t do at all.

4. Only the trueborn king of England can open this link to a list of 12 mattresses that look like Mickey Rourke

5. Oh my god what’s that behind you on this list of the best Miley Cyrus gifs?

6. If enough people click on this Jennifer Lawrence interview… we might just solve Africa.

7. This link will lead to to EITHER a coupon for free quesadillas for life, OR a comic about white privilege!

8. You guyyyyyys! I feel really insecure about this “which country should you really live in” quiz I made, ugh I feel so gross right now

9. Hello there, this is your mother. I needed to ask if (click to continue)

10. Help! Quickly! It’s your mother- it’s IMPERATIVE that you (click to continue)

11. Hey, it’s me, the writer of this article about global warming. Do you realize I get paid by the click? If you just click this link once, I might be able to make rent this month. Please, I’ve got a family.

12. You probably wouldn’t get this list of 26 times “Boy Meets World” totally blew us all away, but your smarter friends would LOVE it

Now, get out there and trick people into viewing your website!