Wookiee of the year: Sneak peek at the new Star Wars film

 

Han: All this time, Chewbacca seemed so well-adjusted to me.

Father: Chew-BACCA?! Have you been making up fake names again Stephen?!

Chewie: Ngggggggg-g-g-g-g-ghhhdaaaaaaAAAad you’re embarrassing me!

*****

Sorry about how messed up Han’s face looks. There are limits to my artistic abilities.

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16 Things only High-Ranking Members of the Illuminati will Understand

Understand how to topple a government from within? Have an Egyptian obelisk hidden on your property? Still sometimes forget where you put your keys? THIS LIST IS FOR YOU.

1. What will happen to this on June 5 2099:

  

Spoiler alert: New World Order.

2. That awkward feeling when you wear the wrong colour robe to a secret ceremony

  

Because being the only black robe in a sea of red isn’t uncomfortable at all


3. When you accidentally pronounce it “Inumi-latte”

  

Would you like your secret society venti-sized?


4. Why the lower class as a whole can never acheive true success

  

And why the false hope that they could is the glue that holds all society together


5. Why THIS:

  

had to happen in order to get THIS:

  

Level 53 members know what I’m talking about


6. The location of all the giant sun lamps in the whitehouse

  

All my 17-foot-tall shapeshifting Reptilians know that the whitehouse’s artificial sun lamp game is on POINT


7. Stepping out of the pressurized chamber below the Supreme Court and finding out the shadow government is all out of coffee

  

Please don’t ask me to orchestrate world affairs before I’ve had my morning caffeine!!!


8. How awesome Track 5 off Jay-Z and Beyonce’s secret album is

  

It’s Illumi-NASTY!


9. How and why Kate Middleton’s REAL baby must be raised in a Russian paramilitary training camp

  

How crazy is it going to be when the whole world appears to be controlled by a man named Igor?


10. Why hearing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea always makes you think of THIS

  

You already know.


11. The third part of Neil armstrong’s “one small step” quote and what it has to do with lizards

  


12. Why Osama Bin Laden owes EVERYTHING to THIS

  

He got the best of both worlds.


13. Who the next twelve U.S. presidents will be, and why the thirteenth one will be the last ever

  


14. How to tell the difference between a homeless person… 

  

and one of THESE

  

One asks for change, the other brings change upon all who fail to recognize his power.


15. What THESE MOVIES were created to prime humanity for

  

And why all zombie fans should have a certain day in 2034 marked on their calendars!


16. Realizing there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your sceptre

 

Why did you even take that thing into the bathroom with you?! 

The Emotion Critic

  
“Skip it” of the week:

HAPPINESS


human emotion
RATING:
1/2* out of *****

Dopamine. Seratonin. Oxytocin. Such potent, interesting neurochemicals are wasted in this overrated mess of a human emotion. Even Endorphins, which I loved in the excellent mental state Detachment, fails to bring Happiness together.
At both ends of the spectrum, from its ignorant contentment to its utterly delusional pure joy, Happiness is a complete disappointment (not to be confused with the far superior emotion Disappointment which I’m excited to see more from). Derivative, unfulfilling, and frankly artless, it hopes to win you over with unadulterated stupidity.
I don’t often feel so sure about an emotion as to say that I expect it to ruin the entire world, but this case may be an exception. The popularity of Happiness leaves me nauseated- what low-born uneducated Philistines could possibly find meaning in such a useless void? Almost half the country, apparently. You can be sure that many similar feelings are currently being produced in the hopes of capitalizing on “Happy-mania.” I shudder to think of the long-term ramifications on the economy, our national standing, and the overall average quality of art this will have down the line.
There is, thankfully, one good thing about Happiness: it is fleeting. Should you decide to experience Happiness despite this review and inevitably feel let down, just know that every second you waste being happy, you grow ever closer to its beautiful sequel: Severe Depression.

Self-actualization? The very idea of it makes me want to self-actually throw up.
FEAR
human emotion
RATING:
*** out of *****
Fans of Terror and Dread undoubtably have high hopes for “Fear,” another emotion brought to you by clammy hands and goosebumps. As many including yours truly were expecting, Fear, while generally well-put-together, just fails to deliver quite as much- but it’s still a decently worthwhile ride.

Fear is at its best when it doesn’t try to improve on its predecessors. Some attempts to “up the stakes” just highlight how much of a drop-off in quality there has been. Adrenaline is always great whenever it shows up, but when it has something tangible to direct itself to (as is the case with Fear) it’s less disorienting and, unfortunately, far less impactful.
If you find yourself in the mood, go ahead and take Fear out for a spin. Though it must be said that if you have access to the heart-pounding Terror or the creeping, suspenseful Dread, maybe put the simpler feelings that accompany Fear aside for another day.  
“Hidden gem” of the week:
PRENVY
human emotion
RATING:
***** out of *****
Longtime readers of this column will recall that I have often praised the emotional genius of Pride and Envy. It’s been tossed around for quite some time now, but at long last, two of my favourite feelings have finally decided to collaborate. This little-celebrated, highly imaginative, independantly-produced emotion is called Prenvy.

Prenvy seems almost contradictory at first, but it must be experienced to be fully believed. How can one feel both proud of oneself (Pride) AND desire that which others have simultaneously (Envy)? All I can say is that it makes perfect sense when you’re feeling it.
I’ll say this much: Picture someone who has something you want and feel you deserve. At the same time, you draw a sense of superiority from the fact that you do not have it. You know that your being deprived of this thing, whatever it may be, will make you stronger in the end, and by that same virtue, you paradoxically feel this thing is therefore owed to you. It’s such a delicious combination that at times feels very reminiscent to that all-time classic Hate.

I won’t say any more or I’ll spoil the experience for you. Do yourself and the emotion industry a favour and experience the wonderful indie feeling Prenvy yourself this weekend! 
 

17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

party

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

blink wig

But you REALLY want to be like

punch

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

dust hands

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

scared in bed

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

IMG_1513

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

mug beard

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

drunk walk

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

ugly

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

pathetic cry

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

thumbs up

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

deep breath

11. And you start living on the street like

homeless

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

happy breath

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

hello!

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

cry a lot

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

evil laugh

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

sweaty real

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

cry street

The self-destructive procrastinator’s guide to “finding” a “job”

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Looking for a job? Take it from someone who’s lived it and is currently living it right now as he types this list of advice- time between employment can be a real drag. It’s important to have a plan during this time so you can most effectively continue not to have a job. Hopefully you find these tips as spectacularly unhelpful as they have been to me.

1. Finding a job might seem overwhelming at first. Keep in mind that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single day spent watching netflix and ripping bong tokes.

2. Before writing a resume, check out job postings online for a few weeks. Inexplicably get your hopes up for jobs you haven’t applied to. Maybe they’ll see that you were looking at their craigslist ad, backtrace your IP address, and give you a call. It’s not impossible.

3. Be sure to keep your parents in the dark. If they call you at noon and you’re asleep, tell them you missed the call because you were out handing out resumes. If they call when you’re about to watch a movie, tell them you’re just heading into a job interview at a bank. Trust me, they won’t bother you.

4. Now that you’re unemployed, it’s a great time to learn to play the guitar. Once you learn a few chords, you’ll be able to play many popular songs in an acoustic, folky coffee-house style. You should really check to see if there are any open mics in your area, too.

5. Reward yourself for every tiny milestone. When you pick out a resume template, you deserve to go out to a movie. Every time you fill in a section of your resume, watch a single Lord of the Rings film (extended edition). When you finally print off 20 copies of your resume at the library, take the rest of the day off to go drinking with friends.

6. The important thing is that everyone you know thinks you’re actively looking for a job. Go for a walk for a few hours and tell your roommates that you spent that time shaking hands and handing out resumes. Complain a lot about “the job market right now” at parties. 

7. Actually give out maybe one copy of your resume and wish, wish, wish that you get a call for an interview so you can end the job hunt.

8. Have you seen “The Wire”? Use this time to watch the whole show. You’ll wish you’d done it earlier once you’re employed, so make sure to watch it now. Already seen “The Wire”? Well, have you seen “The Wire” twice? How about three times?

9. You know that blog you started a year ago that you almost immediately abandoned? Now’s the time to become a professional blogger who posts multiple times a week. Watch your page views click upwards and wish they could be turned into money.

10. Google the word “jobs.” Open every first-page result in a separate tab. Leave your computer open like this so people can see you’re really trying.

11. If you’re a male, seriously consider donating sperm. Find out that you only get reimbursed $70 per visit to the sperm bank in Canada and you’re not allowed to masturbate or have sex at all in between your weekly visits. Decide that it doesn’t seem worth it, but don’t entirely rule it out.

12. Write yourself a note or two that you can hang up around the house saying something like “Apply for jobs, you idiot!” Look at them every day and feel like a big stupid failure. Continue to not apply for jobs.

13. The Oscar nominations are out, and you might be interviewed soon by an employer who has seen one or more of the best picture nominations. It’s possible they’ll even bring it up during the interview. Use your free time to download and watch every oscar nomination to increase your chances in that interview you might score sometime in the near future.

14. An easy way to save money during this time is to spend a full day in bed, not eating or using resources. The good news: You can drink as much water as you like (if it’s free)!

15. Half-heartedly scan online job postings again. Find one that you qualify for, and really intend to apply to it until you see that it requires a cover letter. Cover letters are the worst. Why do companies even ask for those? Do they really read every one? Don’t apply after all.

16. Hang out with your employed friends whenever they’re free, because you’re free all the time. When you get a job you won’t be able to make plans with people so easily, so you’ll easily earn back all the money you’re wasting away at bars and restaurants right now.

17. Being unemployed is no reason not to live the extravagant lifestyle you’re used to. Feel free to spend money on cigarettes, alcohol, and definitely order pizza almost every night. Hide the giant-pile-of-empty-pizza-boxes-cry-for-help when you have people over.

18. You might feel stressed out from time to time, but imagine how much more stressed you’d be if you actually had a JOB! Those things are the worst.

10 tips for dealing with introverts (Number 6 shall cause the rivers to run red with blood!)

2015/01/img_1493.jpg

You’ve probably heard that there are two kinds of people in this world- the outgoing, social extroverts and the quiet, misunderstood introverts. If you’re an extrovert and you sometimes have trouble interacting with your more introverted friends, don’t worry. This article was designed to help you out when it comes to those lovable, kooky introverts in your life.

Here are ten things to know about introverts:

1. An extrovert might find it hard to understand why someone wouldn’t want to go out to a party. The interesting fact is that while extroverts recharge by being with other people, introverts find they really need time alone to replenish their energies by drinking the blood of a man who was hanged for murder from a 1000-year-old human skull goblet.

2. Remember- when it comes down to it, we’re all just people. An extrovert doesn’t think it’s unusual to start up a conversation with a stranger on the bus, while to an introvert, dislocating their jaw to birth a demonic imp slave seems perfectly normal.

3. A common misconception is that introverts don’t enjoy company. Just because someone prefers to be alone, doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes wish they hadn’t sacrificed their family in exchange for unlimited power.

4. If you’re a true friend of an introvert, consider yourself extremely lucky. While extroverts may have dozens of people they consider close friends, the average introvert has only two or three people in their lives who shall be spared the curse of eternal childlessness.

5. Be aware that introverts usually have a personal space “bubble” they’d prefer not to allow others into. An easy way to check if you may be invading an introvert’s personal bubble is to look at their face. If you’ve penetrated their bubble of illusion you will see them as their true form- usually resembling a golden skeleton with scales like a fish.

6. When it comes to small talk- leave the introverts out of it! There’s just nothing interesting to an introvert about what’s going on with the weather at the moment. Bypass all the pleasantries and inane observations and instead press the introvert’s clawed hands against your forehead and bask in eldritch visions of the past, present, and future.

7. Contrary to the extrovert, who may say something as soon as it occurs to them, introverts always think before they speak. Just bear in mind how carefully your introverted friends have chosen their words the next time one of them is chanting incantations turning your body to a stone statue.

8. Many introverts, though not all, find it difficult to express themselves through spoken conversation. It’s much easier and more comfortable for them to get their point across through ancient runes that appear in the middle of the night carved into your forearm, pelvis, and back.

9. Don’t be one of those people who dismisses introverts as being “weird.” No statement about introverts could possibly arouse more murderous rage. Just by calling introverts “weird” during a private conversation with your extroverted friend, you are effectively sealing your fate- within a week you shall awake to find yourself high above the ground, the leathery sound of giant, introverted wings beating all around you. You’ll scream for help, that some of your best friends are introverts, that you respect anyone’s decision to stay in for the night- but it will be too late. It will be far too late.

10. Finally, extroverts can be killed any number of ways, from poisoning to a bullet in the head. Introverts, on the other hand, may only be slain by slitting their throat with a silver blade, maintaining eye contact the entire time.

12 NEW clickbait headlines for 2015 (number 7 will change your life!)

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I am personally sick of seeing the same old generic clickbait headline styles over and over again on my facebook newsfeed and elsewhere. It seems people have hit upon a handful of useful stock article and video titles, and the same skeleton title is used and reused, plugging in specifics and vagueries like it’s some kind of webtraffic mad libs. “_______ say this _______ is the best _____ ever. After watching it, I’d have to agree.” “Some ________ from ________ made a _________ that just might ________” “___ _______ that only _________ will understand.”

Obviously these titles serve a purpose. Like the beautiful colours and patterns found on flowers evolved specifically to draw bees, clickbait headlines exist to draw bored humans. The end result is the same- continued propogation of the flower or upworthy link, and increased visibility.

So we can’t get rid of clickbait, but my hope is that I can spice it up a little. Internet journalists, please feel free to use any of the following BRAND NEW clickbait headlines, designed specifically to fool bored facebook scrollers into clicking on them. It’s a new year, and that means new cheese in your mouse traps.

(As you will see, these headlines are extremely versatile and can be altered and rearranged to fit almost any obnoxious social media post)

1. You never do Big Bang Theory trivia quizzes any more, why not? Is it because you hate me?

2. You better watch this spoken word poem about racism or I’ll kill your family!

3. Oh well, here I am, a poor defenseless list of things only 90s kids will get, alone, vulnerable, just walking up this facebook newsfeed, unnaccompanied… Gosh! Absolutely anyone who sees me could click on me! Well that just won’t do at all.

4. Only the trueborn king of England can open this link to a list of 12 mattresses that look like Mickey Rourke

5. Oh my god what’s that behind you on this list of the best Miley Cyrus gifs?

6. If enough people click on this Jennifer Lawrence interview… we might just solve Africa.

7. This link will lead to to EITHER a coupon for free quesadillas for life, OR a comic about white privilege!

8. You guyyyyyys! I feel really insecure about this “which country should you really live in” quiz I made, ugh I feel so gross right now

9. Hello there, this is your mother. I needed to ask if (click to continue)

10. Help! Quickly! It’s your mother- it’s IMPERATIVE that you (click to continue)

11. Hey, it’s me, the writer of this article about global warming. Do you realize I get paid by the click? If you just click this link once, I might be able to make rent this month. Please, I’ve got a family.

12. You probably wouldn’t get this list of 26 times “Boy Meets World” totally blew us all away, but your smarter friends would LOVE it

Now, get out there and trick people into viewing your website!

5 things White People Need to Understand about Quantum Physics

Read this article if you're white and you have opinions about quantum physics.

Read this article if you’re white and you have opinions about quantum physics.

All right white people, listen up. This article is for you.

In the last few weeks, you’ve been hearing a lot about complex numbers and wavefunction formulation. Before you weigh in, it’s important to acknowledge that as a white person, there may be certain things about quantum mechanics you don’t fully understand. As a white male myself, I’ve taken it upon myself to dispel some common misconceptions about quantum science that most white people just refuse to acknowledge.

1.You need to make an effort to look at things outside your four-dimensional-white-person’s perspective.

Understand that just because your view of the universe as a white person seems correct, that you actually exist in  an 11-dimensional space-time consisting of 10 spatial dimensions and 1 time dimension.

To say that we exist in 4-dimensional space-time is to ignore and minimize the lived experience of trillions of possible universes.

2. Delta x times delta p at x is equal to or greater than half of the Planck constant.

As far as combating racism goes, it just doesn’t get any more simple than that.

3.The consequences of entanglement are not “exotic.”

If there’s one thing white people love, it’s describing the behaviour of subatomic particles approaching the speed of light as “exotic” or “uncivilized.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

Just because a particle is occupying multiple spaces simultaneously doesn’t mean its physicality should be fetishized or objectified. It’s no different than a larger object moving at a much smaller velocity- it just doesn’t adhere to your preconceived notions of Newtonian physics.

4.We are absolutely NOT living in a post-unified-field-theory-society.

In an argument with a white Facebook friend the other day, I found myself faced with this now-familiar refrain: “But we’re living in an age now where quantum electrodynamics has already theoretically merged electroweak force with weak nuclear force!”

Um, yeah? So what? White people need to understand that the single apparent success of ANY two fundamental forces being merged is NEVER a valid proof that gravity itself has been reconciled with the three other gauge symmetries. There is still so much work to be done.

5. You, as a white person, will NEVER truly understand quantum mechanics.

Sorry, white people. But you simply lack the cultural, sociological, and cranial capacity to ever truly understand quantum mechanics as a whole.

As physicist Richard Feynman was fond of saying,

“If you [as a white person] think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics [thanks to your white privilege].”

#NotASingleWhitePerson understands quantum mechanics, and #NotASingleWhitePerson ever will.

A Song of Ice and Fire theory: The surprising case for a secretly still-alive Drogoratheon

Khal-Drogo-dead king-robert-baratheonBe honest- do you even know which one’s which here?

Hi all. I’ve just finished my seventh readthrough of GRRM‘s RGFNS* ASOIAF, and as we all know seven is a holy number (LOL). I realized something that little and less people are talking about.

I call this theory Khal Drogo And Robert Bartheon Are Still Alive And Also Secretly The Same Person (KD + RB = SA & KD = RB = KDRB for short). Now this may sound crazy at first but remember: everybody thought it was crazy when people theorized that HBO would adapt ASOIAF into a TV show.

First, let’s talk about why they are DEFINITELY the same person. Here are two eerily similar quotes, both from GOT. One describes Robert Baratheon, one describes Khal Drogo. See if you can even figure out who is being described in each quotation:

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