Looking for a job? Take it from someone who’s lived it and is currently living it right now as he types this list of advice- time between employment can be a real drag. It’s important to have a plan during this time so you can most effectively continue not to have a job. Hopefully you find these tips as spectacularly unhelpful as they have been to me.
1. Finding a job might seem overwhelming at first. Keep in mind that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single day spent watching netflix and ripping bong tokes.
2. Before writing a resume, check out job postings online for a few weeks. Inexplicably get your hopes up for jobs you haven’t applied to. Maybe they’ll see that you were looking at their craigslist ad, backtrace your IP address, and give you a call. It’s not impossible.
3. Be sure to keep your parents in the dark. If they call you at noon and you’re asleep, tell them you missed the call because you were out handing out resumes. If they call when you’re about to watch a movie, tell them you’re just heading into a job interview at a bank. Trust me, they won’t bother you.
4. Now that you’re unemployed, it’s a great time to learn to play the guitar. Once you learn a few chords, you’ll be able to play many popular songs in an acoustic, folky coffee-house style. You should really check to see if there are any open mics in your area, too.
5. Reward yourself for every tiny milestone. When you pick out a resume template, you deserve to go out to a movie. Every time you fill in a section of your resume, watch a single Lord of the Rings film (extended edition). When you finally print off 20 copies of your resume at the library, take the rest of the day off to go drinking with friends.
6. The important thing is that everyone you know thinks you’re actively looking for a job. Go for a walk for a few hours and tell your roommates that you spent that time shaking hands and handing out resumes. Complain a lot about “the job market right now” at parties.
7. Actually give out maybe one copy of your resume and wish, wish, wish that you get a call for an interview so you can end the job hunt.
8. Have you seen “The Wire”? Use this time to watch the whole show. You’ll wish you’d done it earlier once you’re employed, so make sure to watch it now. Already seen “The Wire”? Well, have you seen “The Wire” twice? How about three times?
9. You know that blog you started a year ago that you almost immediately abandoned? Now’s the time to become a professional blogger who posts multiple times a week. Watch your page views click upwards and wish they could be turned into money.
10. Google the word “jobs.” Open every first-page result in a separate tab. Leave your computer open like this so people can see you’re really trying.
11. If you’re a male, seriously consider donating sperm. Find out that you only get reimbursed $70 per visit to the sperm bank in Canada and you’re not allowed to masturbate or have sex at all in between your weekly visits. Decide that it doesn’t seem worth it, but don’t entirely rule it out.
12. Write yourself a note or two that you can hang up around the house saying something like “Apply for jobs, you idiot!” Look at them every day and feel like a big stupid failure. Continue to not apply for jobs.
13. The Oscar nominations are out, and you might be interviewed soon by an employer who has seen one or more of the best picture nominations. It’s possible they’ll even bring it up during the interview. Use your free time to download and watch every oscar nomination to increase your chances in that interview you might score sometime in the near future.
14. An easy way to save money during this time is to spend a full day in bed, not eating or using resources. The good news: You can drink as much water as you like (if it’s free)!
15. Half-heartedly scan online job postings again. Find one that you qualify for, and really intend to apply to it until you see that it requires a cover letter. Cover letters are the worst. Why do companies even ask for those? Do they really read every one? Don’t apply after all.
16. Hang out with your employed friends whenever they’re free, because you’re free all the time. When you get a job you won’t be able to make plans with people so easily, so you’ll easily earn back all the money you’re wasting away at bars and restaurants right now.
17. Being unemployed is no reason not to live the extravagant lifestyle you’re used to. Feel free to spend money on cigarettes, alcohol, and definitely order pizza almost every night. Hide the giant-pile-of-empty-pizza-boxes-cry-for-help when you have people over.
18. You might feel stressed out from time to time, but imagine how much more stressed you’d be if you actually had a JOB! Those things are the worst.