I watched every one of the best picture nominations this year. I now present to you in-depth analyses of each movie, in a twitter-friendly 140-characters-or-less format:
AMERICAN HUSTLE: If American Hustle wins Martin Scorsese should just go ahead and accept the Oscar. This was more of a Scorsese movie than “Wolf of Wall St” was
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS: After Castaway and this, it’s sad to see Tom Hanks clearly being typecast as a very unfortunate delivery man.
DALLAS BUYER’S CLUB: If there was an award for the most attractive woman in film in 2014 it would definitely be Jared Leto dying of AIDS
GRAVITY: Good movie, but a little too unrealistic for me. What, she’s supposed to be an astronaut but she’s not even wearing a diaper? I just couldn’t enjoy the movie.
HER: An intense sci-fi thriller in the vein of I, ROBOT or the TOTAL RECALL remake, but with mustaches and true love instead of CGI robots and eplosions
NEBRASKA: So the only way a straight up comedy movie can appear classy enough to be nominated for an Oscar is to be shot in black and white? Got it.
PHILOMENA: I’d be more upset about the evil nuns in this movie receiving no retribution but there’s really no worse punishment than spending your whole life as a nun
12 YEARS A SLAVE: This movie launched me into a depression that can only be cured if Quentin Tarantino directs a half-hour alternate ending
WOLF OF WALL ST: Proof that Martin Scorsese can make even telemarketing look cool
my kid's name will be treasure 