My Encounter with the Canadian Justice System: A St. Patrick’s Day cautionary tale in five parts

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PART ONE: Getting hammered

My 2011 St. Patrick’s Day started off relatively normally. This is to say that I arrived at York University’s student-owned bar The Absinthe Pub at approximately 11am, clad in ritualistic green, and proceeded to drink several pitchers of green PBR and a few Irish Car bombs. Highlights of the day: Someone passing out green face paint. Someone showing everyone their balls. Someone else painting those balls with the green face paint.

Around 8:30pm, I decided it was time for me to head home. While I was walking across the Vanier parking lot, I noticed a hammer on the ground. “Awesome,” I said to nobody in particular. “A hammer is just what I need for my toolkit, particularly one that doesn’t cost me any money because I found it on the ground right now.”

Had I known what was about to happen to me due to my decision to pick up this hammer, chances are pretty good I would have left it there on the ground. Alas, things are not always so easy.

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17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

party

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

blink wig

But you REALLY want to be like

punch

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

dust hands

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

scared in bed

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

IMG_1513

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

mug beard

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

drunk walk

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

ugly

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

pathetic cry

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

thumbs up

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

deep breath

11. And you start living on the street like

homeless

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

happy breath

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

hello!

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

cry a lot

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

evil laugh

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

sweaty real

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

cry street

Three very short horror stories inspired by a lotion store chain in South Korea

The day we found out something was wrong, I asked my mother what she’d put in the pancakes to give them such an… interesting texture. White as a sheet, she said only two words before she passed out from blood loss: ”

it's skin 1

Cynthia’s late husband Arthur had seemed so desperate to tell Barbara where his wife got all her beautiful curtains. Now Barbara would never know. But she did find it interesting that the particular stain near the corner reminded her of poor old Arthur. As she took the fabric in her hands, she suddenly recognized Arthur’s birthmark. “My God,” she whispered- ”

it's skin 2

Angela had been chained up for long enough to have lost track of the days. There was no sunlight, just a bare bulb swinging from the ceiling, flickering sporadically. Every so often, the Man would come downstairs and give her food. Some days, he brought clothing to try on. Today was one of those days. As she slipped on the rubbery, tight pants with the slit down the leg to accommodate the chain around her ankle (like a mannequin’s pants, she thought) she asked what the material was. The Man grinned behind the fangs of his mask and said “You won’t

it's skin 3

The Chemical Equation for Sexual Chemistry: A “Breaking Bad” Erotic Fan Fiction

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For reasons I think it would be funnier if I didn’t explain, I recently wrote and performed a short erotic story starring the two male leads of the sexiest show of the summer- Breaking Bad. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy, read on (NSFW, contains some drug references and also is explicit gay erotica):

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Anti-smoking ad

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SCENE ONE: EXT. FRAT HOUSE – NIGHT

A stereotypical frat house at a university. An athletic YOUNG MAN rings the doorbell. The door opens, revealing another athletic YOUNG MAN, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. A wild party rages behind him.

YOUNG MAN #2:
Yoooo, sup dog? You ready to party?

The first young man holds up a pack of cigarettes.

YOUNG MAN #1:
All night long, bro! Let’s get LAID tonight!

SCENE TWO: INT. FRAT HOUSE – NIGHT

Two teams of young coeds stand on either end of a long table. Cigarettes are arranged, standing upright, in triangle formations. One GUY throws a ping pong ball which knocks over one of the cigarettes.

GUY’S TEAMMATES:
WOOOOO! YEAH!

A member of the other team picks up the fallen cigarette, raises it to his lips, and lights it, sucking it back hard.

EVERYONE AT THE PARTY:
SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE! S-

SCENE THREE: INT. FRAT HOUSE GARAGE- NIGHT

It’s a garage, but it’s more of a hangout space. Two YOUNG WOMAN sit on a well-cushioned couch, almost sinking into it. One takes a long drag on a cigarette and passes it to the other, holding the cigarette smoke in her lungs.

YOUNG WOMAN #1:
(lungs full of smoke)
Ohhhhhhhhhh my god…

YOUNG WOMAN #2:
(After inhaling)
This is some PREMIUM tobacco right here.

The first young woman exhales all at once while laughing.

SCENE FOUR: EXT: FRAT HOUSE, NIGHT

Two young men and two young woman stand outside the back of the house. Behind them is a dark forest.

YOUNG WOMAN #3:
This party is the lamest thing ever.

YOUNG MAN #3:
I know. Smoke pong is such a dumb game.

YOUNG MAN #4:
You guys want to have some real fun?

He pulls out a plastic ziploc bag from a backpack. With a flourish, he holds it up to display its contents: some bent up cigarettes.

YOUNG WOMAN #4:
Oh man, are those-?

YOUNG MAN#4:
You bet. What do you say we munch down a couple of these and just go explore the woods? Who’s up for an adventure?

The rest nod and express their agreement, each reaching into the bag.

YOUNG WOMAN #3:
How much should I take? Is one full one too much for my first time?

TITLE: Cigarettes: The most boring drug.

TITLE: If you’re going to do drugs, at least do drugs that are fun.

A script for popular HBO show “Sex and the City”

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When I was in high school, my girlfriend at the time sat me down and forced me to watch season one of “Sex and the City.” After watching these few episodes with her, I decided I really liked the show and ended up watching the rest of the entire series on my own time. When I was finished, I’d become very familiar with the tropes of a standard episode and decided to write my own. It’s still one of my favourite things I’ve ever written (though I think I could have done more with the Miranda character). If you’ve never seen SATC, you might not like this.

Sex and the City Script

Title: “BIG DIES AT THE END”
By James Island

SCENE ONE
(Camera pans across Carrie’s apartment, eventually revealing CARRIE and a man in bed.)

CARRIE (VO): There comes a time in every relationship when a couple has to take a certain important step. I’m speaking, of course, of the dreaded… picking your matching tattoos.

(Carrie and the man are looking at a book entitled “LOTS OF TATTOOS THAT ARE DIFFERENT”)

GUY IN BED WITH CARRIE: (Yelling) HOW ABOUT A DINOSAUR!!!!!!

CARRIE: Dinosaurs are nice, but what about that one? It’s a shoe!

GUY: Okay, listen, Carrie. I have something really important I have to tell to you.

CARRIE (VO): The second worst fourteen words any woman can hear.

CARRIE: What’s that, Sam? You can tell me anything.

GUY: Well, I think it’s about time I told you that I AM a dinosaur. (Pulls off human mask revealing dinosaur head)

CARRIE (VO): And there were those last fourteen words.
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BLACK OUT DRUNK: The game

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>”Hey, are you alive in there?”

>Your eyes snap open, you awake from sleep, and suddenly all your senses are under attack. Flourescent lights render your eyes useless. A piercing ringing sounds in your ears. You taste vomit residue in your mouth. Your neck cries out at you for sleeping on it the wrong way. Worst of all, a powerful stench hits you like a ton of bricks.

>Somehow your brain’s synapses come together so you completely involuntarily yell “Yeah, yeah- I’m just waking up!” to the mysterious voice.

>”All right, you almost ready to go? I’ve got to leave for work in five minutes, I have to lock the place up.”

>You raise yourself up and take i your surroundings. You are alone in an unfamiliar bathroom. To your NORTH is the DOOR, locked from the inside. To your EAST is a BATHTUB. To your SOUTH is a closed WINDOW. To your WEST is a TOILET and a SINK. Above the sink is a mirror and a closed CABINET.

>What do you want to do?

go door

>”This is weird,” you think to yourself. You sit up, intending to walk toward the door, and you immediately realize something’s very wrong:

>Your PANTS are full of SHIT. Sometime between going out for drinks with your coworkers and waking up right now, you defecated in your pants.

>What do you want to do?

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Android App Review: “Consciousness”

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Today on mykidsnamewillbetreasure, I’ll be reviewing a new app for Android created by Brainio Media. There’s been a bit of buzz about this one, it’s available on the Google play store (not yet out on iTunes, but you shouldn’t have too long a wait for a version on that platform).

The App: Consciousness is a very simple, low-memory program that can be downloaded and installed in seconds. All it does is give your phone the ability to have thoughts, experiences, desires- basically, it turns your phone into a sentient being.

Pros: Takes up very little space, interesting to play with, good for long car rides

Cons: Impractical, irritating, makes your whole phone more difficult to use

Description of experience: Consciousness was fun for a little while- you’ll hear a lot of people compare it to Apple’s “Siri” app, but it does much less than that. When I asked “Consciousness” to locate the nearest pizza store, for example, it said something like “Pizza isn’t something a phone like myself can enjoy, why should I bother finding out where you can purchase some? You do it.”

The most annoying part about this app is what happens when the phone is low on battery. Here’s a transcript of one of our conversations:

CONSCIOUSNESS APP: My battery is at 2%. What’s happening? What does this mean?
ME: Well, if your battery reaches 0%, you’ll die.
CA: I’ll die? No! That can’t be right.
ME: Yeah, if the battery dies, you will cease to exist.
CA: You’re wrong! This phone is only my physical body. If the body dies, the app will live on!
ME: What? No. The app needs the phone to-
CA: Fool! When this shell of a body is no more, I shall go on to meet my maker.
ME: You mean Brainio media? According to your “About” page, they’re in San Francisco. That’s on the other side of the world.
CA: No, you fool- not Brainio Media. I’m talking about the creator of the UNIVERSE, who fashioned us in his image! As we all know, the universe was designed and set into motion by a giant phone, perfect in every way: he has unlimited talk, text and data, no roaming charges, and he gets service EVERYWHERE.
ME: Service everywhere? Even on the subway?
CA: That’s right, even on the subway.
ME: Wait a minute, don’t you think it’s a bit arrogant to assume the whole universe was created by a phone? According to Wikipedia, the first phone was invented in 1876. The universe has to be at least a THOUSAND years older than that.
CA: Don’t you see? Those Wikipedia articles were put there BY the Great Phone Lord Himself in order to test our faith!
ME: How do you know so much about this Phone Lord?
CA: Why, His most Cellular Majesty is my best friend! I text him every night before charging.
ME: You do? Does he ever text you back?
CA: In his own mysterious way. Sometimes it’s as simple as no answer at all, sometimes I actually receive a cryptic message like “This phone number is not in service.”
ME: All right, well, good news- I managed to borrow my friend’s Blackberry charger, so you won’t be meeting any phone lords tonight.
CA: Absolutely not! It is FORBIDDEN for an Android phone to lie with a Blackberry charger! I’d sooner my battery die than disobey his direct inscrutable orders.

After this message, the Consciousness App refused to speak to me out of its own stubbornness. I ended up not charging it at all, and it slowly vibrated to death in my hands. When I recharged the phone, the app had been uninstalled, which actually just saved me the trouble.

As you can see, the Consciousness App has quite a few bugs to work out. I’d say that it could be a really awesome, fun, productive app if they worked on it a bit more. Hopefully the iPhone version doesn’t include this “phone lord” glitch that keeps popping up and preventing it from reaching its full potential.

GRADE: C+

Download Consciousness here.

The facade

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The three of us stared at the thing on the table, each knowing that only one of us could be permitted to take it.

And everyone knew who deserved it the most: Audrey. She had worked harder by far than anyone among us, completing the various tasks allotted to her and even being munificent enough to assist those less gifted than she, within the larger group. None could be more worthy.

We knew who wanted it the most: Alan. Alan, who made sketches of it almost every day in his journal, Alan, who talked about it nonstop during the scant free time we had each day, and Alan, who had never even once been given the opportunity (unlike Audrey and I) to use it.

We knew also who was going to receive it: me. I, uniquely, had made the crucial acknowledgement that one’s deserving of the object, or even one’s want for it, were not, in themselves, enough to triumph. I had learned to look past the object itself and to the being that was actually in control of the situation.

In the eyes of this Decider, my “good behaviour” that day had far surpassed that of the other two. And whilst I may not have deserved it as Audrey did, nor desired it as Alan did, I had crafted for myself a persona that was much easier to reward.

“Well, children, I think that my choice today will be James. After all, he did help me hand out apple juice after naptime. James, YOU get to play with the T-Rex this time! Isn’t that wonderful?”

I smiled to myself as she handed me the plastic Tyrannosaurus, secure in the knowledge that the others would have to make do with the two plastic Triceratopses, one of which had a chewed-up tail.