BLACK OUT DRUNK: The game

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>”Hey, are you alive in there?”

>Your eyes snap open, you awake from sleep, and suddenly all your senses are under attack. Flourescent lights render your eyes useless. A piercing ringing sounds in your ears. You taste vomit residue in your mouth. Your neck cries out at you for sleeping on it the wrong way. Worst of all, a powerful stench hits you like a ton of bricks.

>Somehow your brain’s synapses come together so you completely involuntarily yell “Yeah, yeah- I’m just waking up!” to the mysterious voice.

>”All right, you almost ready to go? I’ve got to leave for work in five minutes, I have to lock the place up.”

>You raise yourself up and take i your surroundings. You are alone in an unfamiliar bathroom. To your NORTH is the DOOR, locked from the inside. To your EAST is a BATHTUB. To your SOUTH is a closed WINDOW. To your WEST is a TOILET and a SINK. Above the sink is a mirror and a closed CABINET.

>What do you want to do?

go door

>”This is weird,” you think to yourself. You sit up, intending to walk toward the door, and you immediately realize something’s very wrong:

>Your PANTS are full of SHIT. Sometime between going out for drinks with your coworkers and waking up right now, you defecated in your pants.

>What do you want to do?

take off pants

>Disgusted with yourself, you peel your soiled pants from your body and stand up. As you move your legs, you feel the DRIED SHIT clinging to your body cracking apart while the outer layer of liquid shit drips off you onto the tiled floor. Some of it stains the BATH MAT.

>What do you want to do?

use pants with shower

>Holding your pants in two fingers, you toss them into the shower. They land in a puddle of shame. You catch a look at yourself in the mirror- there’s shit running down your legs, and still a sizeable amount clinging to your groin. Somehow, your shirt looks fine. You take off your shirt and put it on the towel rack to keep it out of harm’s way.

>What do you want to do?

turn on shower

>You turn the shower knob, but it’s not working. There must be something wrong with it.

>What do you want to do?

look shower knob

>It’s silver in colour. Your reflection looks back at you.

>What do you want to do?

use shit with toilet

>The toilet is a clean, pristine, white porcelain specimen when you first approach it. You stand over the toilet, holding on to the LID of the back part bouncing up and down so your feces unfastens itself from your body. Much of it lands on the seat, down the sides of the toilet, and on the floor below it as well as all over the inside of the bowl. It’s very dark in colour and will surely stain. What did you eat last night?

>Unfortunately, most of the shit is still on you.

>What do you want to do?

use toilet paper

>There’s a single square of toilet paper left on the roll. You tear it off and make a pathetic attempt to clean yourself up with it. It doesn’t work. Your HAND gets covered in feces.

use hand

>With nothing left to lose, you find yourself scooping the wet shit off of yourself and plopping it into the toilet bowl below you. As the odour wafts to your face, you begin to vomit. Thankfully, most of it goes in the toilet below you, but some does land on your chest. It’s a good thing you took off your shirt earlier.

>After about a minute, you’ve cleaned the bulk of the shit off your groin area and its various crevices, though the dried shit will require more attention. Your hand is now covered in shit.

>What do you want to do?

flush toilet

>You flush the toilet. The shit and puke inside it disappears. Your dark, hangover shit leaves a thin brown legacy painted around almost the entire bowl. Then, as quickly as they disappeared, your bodily fluids return with a vengeance. The toilet fills up and overflows, dumping oily black liquid with lumps of solid shit all over the floor surrounding the toilet. Your bare feet are painted black.

>What do you want to do?

use hand with sink

>You turn to the sink and turn it on with your clean hand. No water comes out. Seems both the sink and the shower don’t work.

open toilet lid

>In the back of the toilet, you find at last some relatively clean WATER.

>What do you want to do?

use hands with water

>Needing some way to clean yourself, you dip your hands in the toilet water and rub some of the shit off. It’s difficult using only water for something like this.

look sink

>It’s a very nice white porcelain and stainless steel sink. There’s a bar of soap and a mug of toothbrushes next to it. One of the toothbrushes is a Thomas the Tank Engine brand. Clearly at least one child lives in this house.

use soap with hands

>You pick up the clean yellow bar of soap and use it in conjunction with the toilet to wash off your hands. On the bright side, your hands are mostly clean. On the not-so-bright side, nothing you do is removing the smell of shit from the bar of soap which is also now stained brown.

>What do you want to do?

look cabinet

>You stand in front of the cabinet, finally forced to take a good look at yourself in the mirror there.

>You have a black eye and a large cut on your cheek. How they were sustained you have no idea, but the act of seeing them causes them to begin throbbing, adding to your already splitting headache. You notice for the first time notice some dried vomit in your hair and shoulders. Of course, the injuries and the vomit pales in comparison to the extremely painful dried shit caked around your groin area, cracking and flaking and causing you to resemble The Thing from the Fantastic 4.

>You open the cabinet, thankful not to look at your reflection anymore. Inside is some toothpaste, deodorant, and a bottle of “toilet stain remover.”

>What do you want to do?

use toilet stain remover with dried shit

>You pour some blue liquid from the toilet stain remover bottle into your hand and smear it onto your groin. It’s working! You see at last real skin. In a frenzy, you rub quickly, working the liquid all over your crotch, watching much of the dried shit crumble away to be replaced by the natural tone of your skin. It is a welcome colour to see.

> As you do this, you hear the mysterious voice again: “Hey, you almost ready? I’ve got to lock the place up, would you mind waking up now?”

>You freeze, somehow finding the presence of mind to say “Yep, almost ready. Give me a couple minutes,” without sounding completely terrified.

>You’re terrified for another reason: the toilet cleaning chemicals you’ve been rubbing into your pores has started to burn. Your skin is turning dark red and swelling so fast it’s like watching a balloon blow up. Tears well up in your eyes as you contemplate the horrible mistake you’ve make.

>What do you want to do?

look window

>You walk south towards the window, your dirty feet trailing shit all over the tile floor. Outside, you see you are in some kind of city apartment- you’d guess you’re on the 12th floor. A CLOTHESLINE hangs next to the window with shirts, pants, and underwear.

>What do you want to do?

look clothesline

>You look closer at the clothesline and are shocked to see a clean pair of PANTS identical to your soiled ones in the shower- same brand, same colour, same size, just without any of the stains on them.

get pants

>You paw at the glass like a confused housepet, but you can’t get to those pants while the window is closed like this.

open window

>You turn a switch on the window and attempt to open it. It’s really stuck. If you’re going to get this window open, you’ll need ALL YOUR STRENGTH.

use all my strength

>Gritting your teeth together, you put your full weight into pulling the window up. Your face turns red. Your veins pop.

>Suddenly, the most swollen part of your groin bursts and blood pours out. It’s incredibly painful. You feel both fecal matter particles and toilet stain remover enter your bloodstream. You stop trying to get the window open, because you’ve never felt such pain in your life.

>Nothing seems to matter for a few seconds and you slide naked down onto the floor, falling backwards into the puddle of shit from the toilet. You sob silently to yourself. As you gaze up at the ceiling, you notice a TRAPDOOR compartment there.

>What do you want to do?

open trapd

>Before you can think of what to do net, you hear someone from the outside unlocking the door. “All right, enough’s enough. I had to dig up the bathroom door key. Sorry to do this, but if I don’t leave right now, I’ll lose my job.” The door starts to swing open.

>Then, all at once, the shower turns on, the sink turns on, and the toilet vomits up a fresh batch of poop water, an ample amount of it splashing onto you.

>A man wearing a suit and holding a briefcase stands in the doorway with an indescribable expression on his face.

>”Who are you?” he asks.

>What do you want to do?

curl up into a ball and die

>GAME OVER

>”Being a black out drunk is an impossible game!”

>Play again? Y/N

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