When I was in high school, my girlfriend at the time sat me down and forced me to watch season one of “Sex and the City.” After watching these few episodes with her, I decided I really liked the show and ended up watching the rest of the entire series on my own time. When I was finished, I’d become very familiar with the tropes of a standard episode and decided to write my own. It’s still one of my favourite things I’ve ever written (though I think I could have done more with the Miranda character). If you’ve never seen SATC, you might not like this.
Sex and the City Script
Title: “BIG DIES AT THE END”
By James Island
(Camera pans across Carrie’s apartment, eventually revealing CARRIE and a man in bed.)
CARRIE (VO): There comes a time in every relationship when a couple has to take a certain important step. I’m speaking, of course, of the dreaded… picking your matching tattoos.
(Carrie and the man are looking at a book entitled “LOTS OF TATTOOS THAT ARE DIFFERENT”)
GUY IN BED WITH CARRIE: (Yelling) HOW ABOUT A DINOSAUR!!!!!!
CARRIE: Dinosaurs are nice, but what about that one? It’s a shoe!
GUY: Okay, listen, Carrie. I have something really important I have to tell to you.
CARRIE (VO): The second worst fourteen words any woman can hear.
CARRIE: What’s that, Sam? You can tell me anything.
GUY: Well, I think it’s about time I told you that I AM a dinosaur. (Pulls off human mask revealing dinosaur head)
CARRIE (VO): And there were those last fourteen words.
(Carrie, CHARLOTTE, SAMANTHA and MIRANDA are at a restaurant.)
MIRANDA: You’re dating a “dinosaur guy”? What kind?
CARRIE: An ornithomimous. The little kind, the kind that steals eggs.
SAMANTHA: Oh, honey! We’ve all been there. Dump him. You can’t date an ornithomimus, it’s a well known fact that their dicks are tiny!
CARRIE: I know, it’s just… it’s only that he seems really sweet, and I don’t want to just end it, you know?
CHARLOTTE: Well, I think it’s romantic!
MIRANDA: Shut the fuck up, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE: I DO! I happen to know that dinosaurs are-
(Miranda stabs Charlotte in the eye with a fork. Charlotte screams; Carrie and Samantha raise their eyebrows.)
CARRIE: Anyways, I don’t want to talk about it. What’s new with you girls?
SAMANTHA: Well, I’m getting my vagina remastered.
MIRANDA: What the hell does that even mean?
(Charlotte clutches her face, whimpering. WAITER approaches table.)
WAITER: What can I get you girls?
MIRANDA: (Sarcastically) Um, yeah. I’d REALLY NOT like an egg-salad sandwich. Definitely NOT one of those.
WAITER: Are you being sarcastic, miss?
MIRANDA: Yeah, right. Like I’m really not being sarcastic, no- I’m completely serious. Comp-LETE-ly serious. Am I right, guys?
Waiter: So, is that a yes or a-
(Miranda grabs the back of the waiter’s head and slams it into her knee repeatedly. Then she gnaws off his hand and shoves it down his throat. Carrie and Samantha raise their eyebrows.)
(Carrie types on her laptop)
CARRIE (VO): I couldn’t help but wonder- was it my fault for not liking dinosaurs, or his fault for being one? In matters of love,
(Camera follows text)
are dinosaurs really extinct?
(Carrie looks thoughtful. Sam the dino walks in with a human shape but dinosaur arms, legs, and head.)
SAM: (In raspy weird dino-speak) What’s for dinner AAAUUUUURRRRRR
(Miranda and Carrie walk down the sidewalk of New York.)
CARRIE: So as I was saying, I have to get my landlord ten thousand dollars in overdue rent by the end of the week and I don’t know how I’m ever going to afford it.
MIRANDA: (sarcastic) Yeah, paying THAT off’s going to be SUPER easy.
CARRIE: Yeah, and as it is I’m already in debt from the- HOLY BUTT look at those shoes!
(In the window of a store are two old, crappy shoes with huge diamonds taped to them. The price tag reads $20 000.)
MIRANDA: Yeah, Carrie- you really think you can afford that for shoes? Is that REALLY a good idea? Carrie? Carrie?
(Miranda looks around, Carrie is gone. Then, Carrie emerges from the store carrying a shoe box. Miranda looks at the window again- the shoes are gone.)
CARRIE: Look at my new SHOOOEOEEEEEEEOOEEEEESSSS!!!! AHAHAHAHA (laughs like an idiot)
(Charlotte is at the glass eye shop with Anthony getting a replacement for her forked eye. They are speaking to an EYE SALESMAN.)
CARRIE (VO): While I was eyeing up my new shoes, Charlotte was choosing up some new eyes.
EYE GUY: Might I recommend the popular “Jack the Ripper” model? (Gestures to some extremely evil looking eyes) They shoot knives! (Knives fire out of the pupils)
(Charlotte looks at Anthony)
ANTHONY: HATES IT! NEEEEEXT!
EYE GUY: How about, “Summer Breeze?” (These eyes are blue with little mouths on them) Look! They simulate a summer breeze! (The mouths open and start blowing)
(Charlotte looks at Anthony)
ANTHONY: HATES IT! (Slaps Eye guy in the face)
EYE GUY: (Sweating profusely) Well, uh… I suppose there’s always the one called “Puppy Love”… (These eyes are ball- shaped tiny puppies) They’re tiny puppies bred into the shape of eyes.
CHARLOTTE: Ohhhhhhh, soooo cuuuute I looooooove theeeeeemmmmmm!!!
ANTHONY: SHE’LL TAKE IT! (Slaps Eye guy in the face)
(Eye Guy looks at Anthony in anger and confusion)
EYE GUY: What was that for?
ANOTHONY: Welllllllll, I just (Slaps Eye Guy)
(Carrie’s apartment. Carrie opens her fridge and takes out some eggs. There is an explosion heard downstairs- the apartment shakes a bit and many people are heard screaming in pain, but the disturbance quickly subsides and Carrie goes back to her eggs.)
CARRIE (VO): And while Charlotte was getting her Dining sores looked after, I was looking after my dino-saur.
CARRIE: SAAAAAAMMM!!! YOUR EGGS ARE READY!!!
(“Sam,” now a full-fledged Ornithonomimous, jumps into the room, literally bouncing off the walls, grabs the eggs in his mouth, and runs off. There is a knock on the door. Carrie opens it- it’s Big.)
CARRIE (VO): There he was- Big. The man I could never really let go of.
CARRIE: How did you get up here?
BIG: (Charmingly) 12 tonnes of Nitro-glycerin, kid. I might have killed forty or fifty people, but at least I got in without a key.
(Carrie and Big laugh, and laugh. They fall on the floor from laughing. Suddenly, Sam jumps in and rips out Big’s throat. He stands over Big’s dead body chewing.)
CARRIE: (Crestfallen) Sam! What are you… what are you doing? You killed Big!
CARRIE (VO): And there it was. I couldn’t date a dinosaur, because a dinosaur could never love me for who I am. And besides, they aren’t even real.
(Sam disappears in a puff of smoke. Big remains dead, however. Charlotte enters.)
CHARLOTTE: CARRIE! Look at my new eye! It’s- oh shit, Big’s dead.