Keenan Phillips, an aspiring stand-up comedian, was held prisoner in a secret basement room for over four years, his captor forcing him to write 25 jokes per day or else be viciously beaten. Every night, Phillips’ captor Todd Ellis would blindfold Phillips and handcuff him to a metal pole in the back of his van. From there, he would take Phillips to multiple seedy dive bar locations and force him to perform stand up comedy in front of strangers.
“I really can’t say enough about how good this experience has been for me,” Phillips, 26, told reporters yesterday. “Being motivated to just sit down and write comedy everyday and especially getting a ride out to all those sets has done wonders for my joke writing and performing. Not to mention the opportunity to experience being someone’s prisoner- it’s going to lead to a lot of great material, believe me.”
Showing reporters around the dark, windowless, stone-walled dungeon which was his home for the past four years, Phillips commented “It’s actually a lot better than my old apartment.”
Phillips’ nutrition during this time was shockingly poor. “Apparently the only thing Keenan ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner for all those years were cans of Spaghetti-Os, which explains how he was able to write that killer 5-minute ‘Spaghetti-Os’ bit,” one of Phillips’ acquaintances, another comedian, commented. He added, “Some people have all the luck.”
Doctors say that the conditions of his imprisonment has caused irreparable damage to Keenan’s immune system and he’s going to have trouble adjusting to living a normal life. “Even something as simple as sleeping in an actual bed is going to seem completely alien to him,” said Dr. Ferris at Sacred Heart Hospital, adding “which we strongly suspect will translate into a fresh perspective for some really hilarious observational comedy.”
Keenan Phillips has decided not to press charges against Todd Ellis, who has recently announced his intention to open a chain of comedy boarding schools.