16 Things only High-Ranking Members of the Illuminati will Understand

Understand how to topple a government from within? Have an Egyptian obelisk hidden on your property? Still sometimes forget where you put your keys? THIS LIST IS FOR YOU.

1. What will happen to this on June 5 2099:

  

Spoiler alert: New World Order.

2. That awkward feeling when you wear the wrong colour robe to a secret ceremony

  

Because being the only black robe in a sea of red isn’t uncomfortable at all


3. When you accidentally pronounce it “Inumi-latte”

  

Would you like your secret society venti-sized?


4. Why the lower class as a whole can never acheive true success

  

And why the false hope that they could is the glue that holds all society together


5. Why THIS:

  

had to happen in order to get THIS:

  

Level 53 members know what I’m talking about


6. The location of all the giant sun lamps in the whitehouse

  

All my 17-foot-tall shapeshifting Reptilians know that the whitehouse’s artificial sun lamp game is on POINT


7. Stepping out of the pressurized chamber below the Supreme Court and finding out the shadow government is all out of coffee

  

Please don’t ask me to orchestrate world affairs before I’ve had my morning caffeine!!!


8. How awesome Track 5 off Jay-Z and Beyonce’s secret album is

  

It’s Illumi-NASTY!


9. How and why Kate Middleton’s REAL baby must be raised in a Russian paramilitary training camp

  

How crazy is it going to be when the whole world appears to be controlled by a man named Igor?


10. Why hearing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea always makes you think of THIS

  

You already know.


11. The third part of Neil armstrong’s “one small step” quote and what it has to do with lizards

  


12. Why Osama Bin Laden owes EVERYTHING to THIS

  

He got the best of both worlds.


13. Who the next twelve U.S. presidents will be, and why the thirteenth one will be the last ever

  


14. How to tell the difference between a homeless person… 

  

and one of THESE

  

One asks for change, the other brings change upon all who fail to recognize his power.


15. What THESE MOVIES were created to prime humanity for

  

And why all zombie fans should have a certain day in 2034 marked on their calendars!


16. Realizing there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your sceptre

 

Why did you even take that thing into the bathroom with you?! 

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These SIMPLE lifehacks will CHANGE YOUR WORLD (in IMPERCEPTIBLE but DEFINITE WAYS according to the CHAOS THEORY)!!!

Eat soup with a spoon- save the fork for solid foods!
 

While this lifehack seems utterly pointless on the surface, the act of scanning your eyeballs across the letters it is composed of was enough to alter your future irreparably. Your decision to read this lifehack about the simple act of eating with a spoon could mean the difference between a long and happy marriage and being killed in a bank robbery hostage situation. Unfortunately, there is no way to be certain which direction your fate has been changed to with current technology.
Use your broom’s dustpan to scoop dirt piles and pour into the garbage!
 

You’re probably wondering why anyone would even bother writing a sentence so useless to humanity, and it’s a fair question. What you probably aren’t consciously aware of is that a mental version of your question will exist forever somewhere in the vast, unexplored depths of your brain, having a tiny but definite impact on all decisions you will ever make from this day forward.
Money can be traded in for goods and services at almost any store!
You’re probably not gaining much practical information from this lifehack, but that doesn’t actually matter. Just the physical act of moving down the page to view it has created a ripple effect- to scroll down, your hand had to displace a tiny amount of air around it which, lead to a mass tragedy halfway around the world. This cataclysmic event will affect the global economy in ways that almost certainly will change the total amount of money you will make and spend in your life.
Make your milk last twice as long by not pouring half of it on the floor!
 

You probably weren’t thinking about the possibility of a person existing in this world who pours half their milk out and never realized that was a weird thing to do before reading this article. Now you are. That fact, just by itself, technically means your life has been changed forever.
Wear your earbuds OVER your ear, not hanging down!
 

Okay, that one’s just stupid. I just tried it and my earbuds are falling out WAY more often than before. Who thought this was a good idea?

17 times Spongebob Squarepants knew EXACTLY what it was like to hit your absolute rock bottom

1. When you run into an old friend at an after-hours bar and you’re just like

party

2. The awkward moment when he says he hasn’t seen you in months, since he heard about your wife dying, and you’re like

blink wig

But you REALLY want to be like

punch

3. So you resolve to stop going out to bars, and to drink at home alone exclusively, to most effectively cut all your old friends out of your life

dust hands

4. When you feel your young daughter, the only thing you have left, driftng away from you, and you’re awake in your bed at night like

scared in bed

5. When you just stop showing up to work, and everything’s just

IMG_1513

6. When Jameson’s Irish Whiskey is the only thing that even comes close to stopping the pain

mug beard

7. When Susie says “Dad, are you drunk again?” and you’re like

drunk walk

8. That feeling waking up in a demolished car

ugly

9. When Child Protective Services takes Susie away from you, and on the outside you’re like:

pathetic cry

But secretly the darkest, most selfish part of your mind is all like:

thumbs up

10. When you lose your home and you’re like

deep breath

11. And you start living on the street like

homeless

12. Then the first time you shoot heroin, finally it’s like

happy breath

13. That day you meet a young homeless girl, about the age Susie would be now, playing a ukulele with three strings on the street for spare change

hello!

14. And for a second you allow yourself to think you can help her, and somehow make up for everything you’ve allowed yourself to become

cry a lot

15. But in the end you just beat her and take her money to buy yourself more heroin

evil laugh

16. Then later when you’re reflecting on what you’ve just done, which you consider to be the worst in a series of terrible life choices like

sweaty real

17. TFW you’re too much of a coward to commit suicide

cry street

12 NEW clickbait headlines for 2015 (number 7 will change your life!)

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I am personally sick of seeing the same old generic clickbait headline styles over and over again on my facebook newsfeed and elsewhere. It seems people have hit upon a handful of useful stock article and video titles, and the same skeleton title is used and reused, plugging in specifics and vagueries like it’s some kind of webtraffic mad libs. “_______ say this _______ is the best _____ ever. After watching it, I’d have to agree.” “Some ________ from ________ made a _________ that just might ________” “___ _______ that only _________ will understand.”

Obviously these titles serve a purpose. Like the beautiful colours and patterns found on flowers evolved specifically to draw bees, clickbait headlines exist to draw bored humans. The end result is the same- continued propogation of the flower or upworthy link, and increased visibility.

So we can’t get rid of clickbait, but my hope is that I can spice it up a little. Internet journalists, please feel free to use any of the following BRAND NEW clickbait headlines, designed specifically to fool bored facebook scrollers into clicking on them. It’s a new year, and that means new cheese in your mouse traps.

(As you will see, these headlines are extremely versatile and can be altered and rearranged to fit almost any obnoxious social media post)

1. You never do Big Bang Theory trivia quizzes any more, why not? Is it because you hate me?

2. You better watch this spoken word poem about racism or I’ll kill your family!

3. Oh well, here I am, a poor defenseless list of things only 90s kids will get, alone, vulnerable, just walking up this facebook newsfeed, unnaccompanied… Gosh! Absolutely anyone who sees me could click on me! Well that just won’t do at all.

4. Only the trueborn king of England can open this link to a list of 12 mattresses that look like Mickey Rourke

5. Oh my god what’s that behind you on this list of the best Miley Cyrus gifs?

6. If enough people click on this Jennifer Lawrence interview… we might just solve Africa.

7. This link will lead to to EITHER a coupon for free quesadillas for life, OR a comic about white privilege!

8. You guyyyyyys! I feel really insecure about this “which country should you really live in” quiz I made, ugh I feel so gross right now

9. Hello there, this is your mother. I needed to ask if (click to continue)

10. Help! Quickly! It’s your mother- it’s IMPERATIVE that you (click to continue)

11. Hey, it’s me, the writer of this article about global warming. Do you realize I get paid by the click? If you just click this link once, I might be able to make rent this month. Please, I’ve got a family.

12. You probably wouldn’t get this list of 26 times “Boy Meets World” totally blew us all away, but your smarter friends would LOVE it

Now, get out there and trick people into viewing your website!