16 Things only High-Ranking Members of the Illuminati will Understand

Understand how to topple a government from within? Have an Egyptian obelisk hidden on your property? Still sometimes forget where you put your keys? THIS LIST IS FOR YOU.

1. What will happen to this on June 5 2099:

  

Spoiler alert: New World Order.

2. That awkward feeling when you wear the wrong colour robe to a secret ceremony

  

Because being the only black robe in a sea of red isn’t uncomfortable at all


3. When you accidentally pronounce it “Inumi-latte”

  

Would you like your secret society venti-sized?


4. Why the lower class as a whole can never acheive true success

  

And why the false hope that they could is the glue that holds all society together


5. Why THIS:

  

had to happen in order to get THIS:

  

Level 53 members know what I’m talking about


6. The location of all the giant sun lamps in the whitehouse

  

All my 17-foot-tall shapeshifting Reptilians know that the whitehouse’s artificial sun lamp game is on POINT


7. Stepping out of the pressurized chamber below the Supreme Court and finding out the shadow government is all out of coffee

  

Please don’t ask me to orchestrate world affairs before I’ve had my morning caffeine!!!


8. How awesome Track 5 off Jay-Z and Beyonce’s secret album is

  

It’s Illumi-NASTY!


9. How and why Kate Middleton’s REAL baby must be raised in a Russian paramilitary training camp

  

How crazy is it going to be when the whole world appears to be controlled by a man named Igor?


10. Why hearing “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea always makes you think of THIS

  

You already know.


11. The third part of Neil armstrong’s “one small step” quote and what it has to do with lizards

  


12. Why Osama Bin Laden owes EVERYTHING to THIS

  

He got the best of both worlds.


13. Who the next twelve U.S. presidents will be, and why the thirteenth one will be the last ever

  


14. How to tell the difference between a homeless person… 

  

and one of THESE

  

One asks for change, the other brings change upon all who fail to recognize his power.


15. What THESE MOVIES were created to prime humanity for

  

And why all zombie fans should have a certain day in 2034 marked on their calendars!


16. Realizing there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your sceptre

 

Why did you even take that thing into the bathroom with you?! 

12 NEW clickbait headlines for 2015 (number 7 will change your life!)

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I am personally sick of seeing the same old generic clickbait headline styles over and over again on my facebook newsfeed and elsewhere. It seems people have hit upon a handful of useful stock article and video titles, and the same skeleton title is used and reused, plugging in specifics and vagueries like it’s some kind of webtraffic mad libs. “_______ say this _______ is the best _____ ever. After watching it, I’d have to agree.” “Some ________ from ________ made a _________ that just might ________” “___ _______ that only _________ will understand.”

Obviously these titles serve a purpose. Like the beautiful colours and patterns found on flowers evolved specifically to draw bees, clickbait headlines exist to draw bored humans. The end result is the same- continued propogation of the flower or upworthy link, and increased visibility.

So we can’t get rid of clickbait, but my hope is that I can spice it up a little. Internet journalists, please feel free to use any of the following BRAND NEW clickbait headlines, designed specifically to fool bored facebook scrollers into clicking on them. It’s a new year, and that means new cheese in your mouse traps.

(As you will see, these headlines are extremely versatile and can be altered and rearranged to fit almost any obnoxious social media post)

1. You never do Big Bang Theory trivia quizzes any more, why not? Is it because you hate me?

2. You better watch this spoken word poem about racism or I’ll kill your family!

3. Oh well, here I am, a poor defenseless list of things only 90s kids will get, alone, vulnerable, just walking up this facebook newsfeed, unnaccompanied… Gosh! Absolutely anyone who sees me could click on me! Well that just won’t do at all.

4. Only the trueborn king of England can open this link to a list of 12 mattresses that look like Mickey Rourke

5. Oh my god what’s that behind you on this list of the best Miley Cyrus gifs?

6. If enough people click on this Jennifer Lawrence interview… we might just solve Africa.

7. This link will lead to to EITHER a coupon for free quesadillas for life, OR a comic about white privilege!

8. You guyyyyyys! I feel really insecure about this “which country should you really live in” quiz I made, ugh I feel so gross right now

9. Hello there, this is your mother. I needed to ask if (click to continue)

10. Help! Quickly! It’s your mother- it’s IMPERATIVE that you (click to continue)

11. Hey, it’s me, the writer of this article about global warming. Do you realize I get paid by the click? If you just click this link once, I might be able to make rent this month. Please, I’ve got a family.

12. You probably wouldn’t get this list of 26 times “Boy Meets World” totally blew us all away, but your smarter friends would LOVE it

Now, get out there and trick people into viewing your website!